It seems surreal how soon I will be headed back to school. A month from today Kristen is getting married. I'll be in Utah. In a month and 2 days I will move into my apartment, and in a month and 6 days school starts for the first time in 32 months. I am terrified. Scared of failing, scared of being lonely, scared of success. There's a quote by Marianne Williamson that talks about how we are more afraid of our light than our darkness, we are afraid to let our lights shine. I have spent years being told I'm not enough... my dad (I don't want this to sound poor me, I love my dad dearly, but he's not perfect) always was saying things like "you guys can't do anything right, I have to do everything." my 'friends' who've told me all the reasons that I am terrible and even on my mission when I had a companion tell me that I was not enough. My mom told me nobody would love me the way I am and all these things weigh me down. There is a line in Pretty Woman that says "The bad things are easier to believe" It's true. You let all these things weigh you down and pretty soon... you are terrified of moving forward, of letting yourself out of your bubble. You spend your life trying to convince yourself and others that you are worthy of their attention or of their time, while all the time neglecting your true self, coming off disingenuous and promoting the same problems.
I realized how terribly skewed my sense of self worth is. I don't think I can do it, whatever it is, scholastically, socially, physically. Because I don't think I can, I can't. That's not who I was born to be. I was not born to cower and shrink. I was born for greatness. Maybe not fame, but to do great things in big and small places and ways.
Now I just have to believe that.
Emily, I love you and think you're the greatest girl ever. And no, I'm not just saying that to be nice. You really are. Others can think whatever they want, but what you think is most important! Don't let others get to you, even though it can be hard sometimes. :)
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