Life Changes

I should be more stressed than I am. I have no idea where my life is headed. I'm not even sure I want to go back to BYU in the fall. I'm uncertain about my education, my future employment, heck, my current employment. I just don't know. I'm still not 100% health wise and I'm considering a major life change. One of the girls I visit teach told me about Ayurveda-- traditional Indian medicine (like from India). It's just that 'traditional' medicine isn't doing much for me. I need to get insurance first. I'm looking for a place in Provo that can hopefully help me. Otherwise I'm not going to be able to cut it. I can't keep living like this. 

Seriously?

The things I wish I could tell people often end up as a blog. 

You're going to start dating her. She's only 19, a baby. It's really not that I want to date you. I really don't. (Is it too much to think that I deserve better?) But I wonder why I wasn't good enough for you. It comes back to my same old insecurities-- Am I too fat, not cute enough, not smart or funny or down to earth, or grown up enough? The latter probably isn't the issue-- she's a baby. It's just that I'm pretty insecure and while I have many people tell me that I'm amazing, as Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman said 'The bad stuff is easier to believe'

Missing you.

I hate that we can't be friends any more. We used to be so close, we could practically read eachothers minds. Then it all got messed up. For years we were apart, yet it didn't stop us from being friends. You understood what I was thinking. Now you're still only an email away, but I can't. She's there. I don't begrudge her anything, except that she got one of my very best friends. And because you're married to her, we can't be friends any more. I know that I was the one who insisted on it being this way. I did it for her, and for you, to make your new married life easier. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to date you, I never wanted to marry you- sorry if that sounds harsh. But goodness, I miss you. The worst part is that I can't even tell you. Come fall I'll be back in Provo, I'm sure I'll see you on campus. You said that I'd be friends with Her, and I hope that's true. But is that fair- I don't want to be a third wheel. Maybe when I get married we can all be friends, but I'm not so sure. So that's all. I miss you. Fine, I said it. My shrink would be so proud of me. (If I had one).

Staying Home

Today I was supposed to go camping. There was a campout for the singles from church, and I've been going back and forth about wanting to go and not wanting to go all week. I'd planned on going. But by the time today ended and I got home I was tired, cranky and had a perpetual headache. I didn't want to go meet up with people at the church, pretend to be chipper and happy, and drive an hour to Cle Elum, but I kinda did. But I didn't want to sleep on a sketchy bunk, in a sleeping bag, knowing that I would wake up sore from tossing and turning. So I stayed home. It's been good.
Last night my mom came over and we had a knock down, drag out talk that, as these talks usually do, left me feeling really bad about myself and in tears. It happens, I need a good cry every now and again, and it had been a while. Also, I already started crying when I was watching Grey's Anatomy. Tear Jerker. Don't judge me. Anyway, so all day today parts of last night's conversation have been running through my head and I've been feeling pretty bad. Then I went shopping with mom tonight and we talked about how far I've come in the past 4 months since I came home. Physically, emotionally, I'm not sure about spiritually-- but I think that's because I just came home from a mission-- I'll probably never be at that level again. Well, I hope I will be. But none the less-- I've made progress. She's recognized it. And despite all my other flaws, that she didn't have a problem pointing out last night. She recognized that I'm working on it. I'm trying so hard to move on, to get over, to not be angry and upset about what happened to me. And I'm succeeding!