Pants.

Today we got home from Oregon. What a fantastic vacation! It was filled with visits to galleries, crafty shops, seafood (yum!), family games of foozball, ping-pong and air-hockey (that proved that though not athletically inclined, we Zimmermans do have a competitive streak) trips to the beach and aquarium, and lots of good food. Both the trip down and back were pleasant, and I managed (thanks to modern pharmaceuticals) to breath the whole time, despite the 3 four legged sisters who also came. We slept 4 of us in a room with two sets of bunk beds. I think the most epic part was that my bed had a pirates of the caribbean bedspread, complete with cartoon renditions of Jack Sparrow and Will Turner. Oh Yeah! I only wish I had one for my room at school! (someday I'll insert a picture here). Rachel slept with the larger two of the 4 legged sisters in a queen sized bed (that Mollie likely used most of), and the parents got the master bedroom (because they're the parents).

On to the pants.

After all that family togetherness, I was ready to go out. So Rachel and I did, and we found the cutest corduroy pants for, wait for it... FIVE DOLLARS at charlotte rouse. I am starting to love that store! Then I came home, helped put together cookie plates for Dad to take to work (mostly mom did this, but I helped). Then I came back to the apartment, read for bed. And guess what I found in the bottom drawer of the dresser!?


These look very similar to the ones I am currently wearing. Except; mine are not new-- i'm fairly certain I stole them from my mom, who had them for eons prior to my stealing--, they are faded and the elastic has torn out of half of the bottom, the crotch has been sewn back together multiple times, but to me they are Beautiful!
It was like  saying hello to a long lost friend. You see, there are times in my life where I go on great purges of my things, trying to eliminate everything that I have emotional attachments to that I feel are unnecessary. For some TERRIBLE reason, I felt like these pants were ready to leave me and move on. It didn't take very long for Rachel to adopt them and love them and then promptly refuse to return them to me. I begged and pleaded, but to no avail. As fate would have it; these are my traveling pants. And they traveled back to me. Now, they don't make me look fabulous, nor will they help me to seduce some boy (like in the movie/book, I clearly wouldn't even know how to do that), but seriously. I am happy as a clam right now! All because of pants! Who knew?

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

HAHAHAHA I'm sorry... it's just that pregnancy is so far out of the possibility for me right now. But let's say, hypothetically, that I did get pregnant there are pretty much 2 possibilities:
1) I'm married
2) I'm not married, but I've apparently gone way apostate.

Situation 1: I'm probably thrilled! Chances are I won't find out what I'm having, because, I think that kind of excitement would be fun. Plus I could take a picture like this:

Ok, I probably wouldn't. but maybe... It would be tempting, If I wanted people to see my belly.

Situation 2: I'm probably not super happy.about the whole pregnancy thing. well, I guess it depends on the situation. BUT I do believe in Adoption. I think babies deserve a mom and a dad who love them and who can take care of them. So, in the event that I go and get myself knocked up, unless marrying the father is a viable option, I'm certain that I would give the baby up for adoption. I think it would kill me, be the hardest thing ever, and be something I thought about every day. But I think it would be the right thing.
Because Adoption is about love. And not being selfish and loving that baby enough to give them what they needed. And that is a family who can take them to the temple and be sealed to them.


But that's never going to happen. I'm a good girl I am!

  

:)

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

This is a weird question. I think that it might take a person from the outside to answer this one semi-objectively. I was talking to my bishop tonight for tithing settlement (and he didn't give me a candy cane, and I missed tithing settlement in my home ward!). He seemed very interested (as all single's ward bishops are) with my marital status. But he was so nice. He told me I was perky, that I was adventurous that I had a great personality, (and the compliments kept coming). Then he told me that some hunky guy was going to show up and sweep me off my feet. (As soon as the hunky guys get off the fence and start looking, he said...) It may have been rude, but couldn't help rolling my eyes. These things may be true, but for now, I'm not looking for tall, dark and hunky. If he finds me, fine. If he realizes all the cool things about me, great. But I'm not holding my breath. The best thing I've got going for me right now is my independence. I am a strong woman. I don't need a guy to tell me that I have worth. I don't need a guy for me to feel like I have worth.

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Of course I have thought about giving up on life. Maybe that's not an 'of course' kind of thing to say, but I have, so what? I didn't do it. The when and the why, well, I think that's getting kind of personal. But I will tell you why I didn't give up.

One day, I was talking to a friend, who is not a friend any longer, and they told me that we can't give up because the promises we have in store for us are too great to give up on. Heavenly Father promised us great things. He also promised us strength to draw upon when the hard times get to be too much for each of us to handle. Because of the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can rise above anything, we can receive strength beyond our own, we can endure. I remember reading in Mere Christianity by CS Lewis something to the effect of "when you come to the point where you are ready to throw in the towel, faith in Christ is the only thing that will keep you from doing it."

So we never give up, we never surrender to that being who is set on the destruction of our happiness, and we press forward. We remember the promises we have been given, we 'cast not away our confidence' and we work and pray and sweat and cry and pray some more. And someday, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, and I'm sure sometimes in the eternities, we'll see the promises fulfilled, and we'll see who we have become, through perfect eyes.

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

I guess the simple answer is that it's because I'm not dead yet! I'm certain that there are still things for me to accomplish and learn. I know there are still things I want to do, people to meet, specifically, a knight in shining armor with a white stallion to come and save me... (except, I don't really need to be saved by a mortal, just by Christ).
Today, you may find this morbid, I watched a documentary on death. It was really fascinating. They talked about when death actually occurred. There's brain death, and cellular death, and then when the lungs/heart stop. A man who was decapitated during the French revolution blinked his eyes for 11 seconds after he was decapitated. That's a long time to stay alive with no head! But they talked about how they aren't sure if there is a great beyond . (Oh science... you're so silly, don't you know that God and science go together?) And if there IS another "dimension" as they called it (read Spirit World), then there really is no death! EXACTLY!!!
I'm so grateful for the knowledge that there is no real death. That it is only a passing sleep. Because of the Savior. Because He, the only one who could, broke the bands of death. And because he did, we can too! That's exciting to me, it means that it doesn't really matter if my time is today, or tomorrow or 80 years from now (heaven forbid!). When He calls me home, I'll be ready. More ready than I'll be for my finals next week...

Back to the 30 days... Day 24

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) 


(I apologize for the personal nature of this post. I'm processing...)


To my friend:
Tonight we talked a lot. You told me a lot of things, about you, about your life, and about some of the mistakes you've made. You didn't tell me in detail, but you were specific enough for me to fill in what blanks you left. It all makes me feel a little sick. You know better, you have taught people to live their lives better than you are living yours. I'm not sure why you felt like you could tell me, it must be my invisible sign again. (It must have been flashing tonight.) It hurts my heart for you. You served the Lord. You made covenants. They can't keep you safe unless you keep them! And you feel too stubborn to change. You're not sure if you want to, even though you know you should. It's strange, because before you told me all this, I just was sitting by you and realized how much Heavenly Father loves you, what a good person you are.  Usually, I would be so fast to judge, but I just feel sorry for you. So, here's the playlist for you, it's songs that remind me that I can be better, and inspire me to do it, even when things are rough. 


This is the Christ: BYU Musical Groups
He'll Carry You; Hillary Weeks
A Prayer Away; Alex Boye
Faith Endures; Alex Boye
I Heard Him Come; Jeff Goodrich 
Let Him Heal Your Heart; BYU Musical Groups
Where Can I Turn for Peace: Noteworthy
Come take your place: Hillary Weeks
Anything Impossible: Alex Boye
Great Light of the World: Alex Boye
Feel the Fire: Season for Courage


Love,
Emily

Mmmmmmashed Potato Soup!

I just got back into town yesterday, and while I took Rachel to the grocery store, I didn't have the brain power to figure out what I needed at the store, so today the pickings were slim for my food options. I did have, in my freezer a tupperware of mashed potatoes and one of homemade chicken broth, and I figured that there must be a recipe for mashed potato soup somewhere on the internet. I was not disappointed, and found several that I modified... to make the delicious soup that I ate with a grilled cheese sandwich.

http://www.rachaelrayshow.com/food/recipes/mashed-potato-soup/
http://thefoodieandthefamily.blogspot.com/2010/11/leftover-mashed-potato-soup.html
Those are the two recipes I stole from to make the soup!

4 cups mashed potatoes
4 cups chicken broth
1/2 medium onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, chopped
6 strips bacon (I had some pre cooked in the freezer)
a sprinkle of thyme
Salt and pepper
a little EVOO
1 T butter
2 T flour

So I crisped the bacon, then drained it on paper towel, but kept the fat in the bottom of the pan to saute the onions and garlic in. Then I added the butter and evoo, mixed it up and added the flour. I stirred in the broth, (which was mostly thawed), and then added the spuds (not thawed at all, just enough to get them out of the pan!), and the thyme. I heated it over medium heat till the potatoes were not a solid lump and the mixture started boiling. Then add grated cheese (I just finished off my loaf), and the bacon. Enjoy!

Except: our microwave oven decided to stop working yesterday... I think after almost 40 years of diligent service (ok, maybe just 30), it gave up the ghost. So I dumped my soup into the crock pot to keep it warm, and I intend to eat it today, and likely tomorrow too!

(sorry no pictures, Rachel has my camera)

PS: Just venting a little... I came home to a sink full of dishes and an EMPTY dishwasher! WHAT THE HECK! SERIOUSLY?!? I refuse to do the dishes. I'll just do mine as I go...


Modifications: Don't do the crock pot thing... even on low mine got all sticky to the sides of the pot... yuck to clean! And it got all filmy. Definitely eat this right away. 

Turkey Cake!

Last week some time, Amy sent me a link on facebook that was a cake made out of thanksgiving foods. My first reaction was "eew, sick" Followed quickly by "cool!" and "I'm going to make that!" Now I generally go through several ideas before I decide what to cook for dinner group, and I had to test the water and make sure people would eat it. The consensus was positive. So I set about to use the ten pound bag of spuds I got for $.97 and make the deliciousness that is a turkey cake.


For the Turkey loaf:

For the turkey layers:

• Pam for coating the pans
• 2 pounds ground turkey breast (I would do more turkey next time... it pulls away from the pan but I also used 9" pans because that's what I've got). 
• 1 cup (plus a little) quick-cooking oats
• 1/3 cup ketchup
• 1/3 cup finely chopped yellow onion
• 1/4 cup finely chopped fresh Italian parsley (I used all dried spices because that's what I had and it turned out fine)
• 1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
• 2 tablespoons soy sauce
• 1 1/2 teaspoons minced fresh thyme leaves
• 1 teaspoon minced fresh sage leaves
• 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 2-4 medium garlic cloves, minced

Place all  ingredients in a large bowl and mix, using clean hands, until combined (don’t squeeze or overwork). Divide the mixture evenly between the pans, spreading it to the edges and smoothing out the top. Bake until cooked through and the cakes begin to pull away from the edges of the pans, about 25 minutes. Remove from the oven (but leave the oven on), and let cool for about 10 minutes. Using a paper towel, blot away any excess fat from the cake layers’ surface; set aside. (While the turkey cakes are cooking, make the sweet potatoes.)

For the Sweet Potatoes:

• 1 pound sweet potatoes
• 1/4 cup whole milk
• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter (1/4 stick)
• 1 tablespoon packed light brown sugar
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more as needed
• Pinch ground mace or nutmeg
• Freshly ground black pepper

Place the milk and butter in the saucepan and heat over low heat until the butter has melted. Turn off the heat, add the reserved sweet potatoes and the brown sugar, salt, and mace or nutmeg, and mash with a potato masher until smooth. Taste and season with salt and pepper as desired; keep warm.

My roommate peeled and mashed the sweet potatoes for me. She's the best!

Make your own favorite recipe of mashed potatoes. The recipe calls for 3 lbs of spuds, I used the whole bag so that we'd have extras for dinner group. You'll need about 5 cups for the 'frosting'.

2 boxes of Stuffing (or 2 1/2 cups of your favorite stuffing recipe)
1 Can cranberries (whole berry)
Gravy (for serving)


Then you start layering it. I just did it on a cookie sheet and didn't worry about putting it on a platter...
First Turkey, then spuds, then cranberries:

Follow that with a layer of stuffing. That was the tricky part for me. I wish I'd put more on, just use your hands and hold it while you pack it on. (this is also where a firmer, ie not out of a box, stuffing may come in handy.)Then you do more spuds and the next layer of turkey-loaf.

Frost the whole thing with mashed potatoes. Oh, as a side note, I wish I had made the spuds a little smoother. I just didn't want to pull out the hand mixer, so I just used my masher.

Put the sweet potatoes on the top, then stick the marshmallows on top of that.
Move the rack in the oven lower so the cake will fit in the oven. I baked it at 350* till the mallows were Crispy and toasty brown. Had this been more than ten minutes before I wanted to serve the cake, I would've turned off the oven but left the cake in there. But it came out just in time to look delicious!

And for dessert... Blue Ribbon Peanut Butter Pie from Sister's Cafe. I would give it a blue ribbon. I will tell you though, it's not fat free. Butter, peanut butter, cream cheese and whipped cream... nope, not fat free. Shelly decorated the one on the right. it says "You Want Me." Mmmm I just had leftovers!

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

The past week I have been pondering a lot about what I could have, should have done with regards to my Grandma. Could I have been a better Granddaughter? Probably. But today I'm thankful for something I did do.

In August, you'll recall (or you won't...), I spent 30 hours at home between Alaska and Utah. I flew in late-ish Thursday evening, spent Friday at home preparing and eating delicious Chinese food, and then left early Saturday morning for Provo.


I spent Friday packing stuff into my car, throwing things out, and hanging out with my family. Eric flew in around noon on Friday, I picked him up at the airport, we took a load of stuff to Goodwill, and then went to go visit Grandma. I didn't really have the time; I was pretty stressed about moving and getting everything done, and full of anticipation/excitement about seeing the boy, but I knew I needed to visit my grandma.

I don't remember what we talked about, I remember telling her about Alaska, and about what Kristen was up to, about my plans for the coming year, but mostly I just remember sitting in the front room and holding her hand while we talked. It was the best visit I had had with her in a long time. I all but ignored Eric for the half hour we were there visiting, and simply talked with her. I saw a glimpse of my grandma, the one I loved, she knew who I was, and even what I was up to in my life (going to Alaska for the summer).

I think I'll always be thankful that I took that time, however short it was. I'm glad I don't have to wish I'd done it because I didn't know that it would be goodbye for this life.

Peanut Butter Bars

Yesterday we had a super lazy morning and then a crazy busy afternoon! We went to color me mine with Malia for her birthday-- since she has been talking about going for FOREVER! But it took longer than we thought, then I had a cookie party with Suzy to go to, but I had to make cookies first. So I remembered making these AMAZING PB bars earlier this semester, but when I looked for the recipe on my blog they were NOWHERE to be found! This is likely because I neglected to ever put up the recipe. It's from one of my favorite food blogs The Sister's Cafe Seriously, these ladies are Amazing! I could see my sisters and I doing something like this someday... maybe. I eventually found the recipe, and whipped up a quick (and delicious) batch of these babies!
No pictures, but enjoy!

Peanut Butter Bars

submitted by Brittany

3/4 c butter

3/4 c sugar

3/4 c brown sugar

3/4 c peanut butter

2 eggs

1/2 tsp vanilla

3/4 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1 1/2 c flour

1 1/2 c oats

Cream together the butter and sugars. Add peanut butter, eggs, and vanilla and beat until smooth. Add dry ingredients and mix the oats until a firm dough is made. Grease a cookie sheet and spread mixture in the pan. Bake at 325 degrees for 15 minutes or until golden.

Chocolate Butter Frosting

1/2 c butter

3 1/2 tsp cocoa

6 Tb milk

1 tsp vanilla

Boil together, remove from heat and add powdered sugar until desired consistency.

Please excuse the interruption of our regularly scheduled program.

I just haven't been into the whole 30 days for the past while. So I decided to take a break.
I got an email a few days ago from Mom telling us that Grandma was going into hospice care. They call it "comfort care," they've done all they can do for her, now they'll just keep her comfortable. Dad called me last night to explain a little more what's going on. She doesn't have much time left, and while she's... going... my dad suggested I write her a letter, for them to read to her, because, even if I wanted to, I can't go home before I take the GRE next Thursday, and that's on the outside of their estimations. I stayed up last night writing it, and, I guess I'm pleased at how it came out. So I'm sharing, and I'm crying. (Mom got it and sent me an email asking me how she was supposed to read it without crying. I submit that she should have one of the more stalwart children read it... Like R who read "That thine alms may be in secret" (a crying Christmas Story) last year without a tear shed. Too bad R's here with me.) So much for the makeup I put on this morning... Enjoy.

Hi Grandma, 

I've been thinking about how lucky I am to have you for my grandma. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have grown up living next door to you. You always had time for me and I always felt like you were just waiting for me to come over. I loved that time with you, even if I ran home quickly when Grandpa came home.

I loved the books you had behind your chair, that were special, just at Grandma's house books. And how you had toys in the back room for us to play with. I remember the kitchen set and how you had that bag of marshmallows that you kept in the bottom cupboard in the kitchen that I got to play with, then eat. I loved that you always had the candy dish, and maybe even more, I loved your desk. I loved all the little drawers and how they had treasures in them. The magnet with all the little metal pieces is still one of my favorite things. I was trying to explain it to someone, but I just had to show him when he came to visit. I remember going to Port Townsend with you and Aunt Marian. You took me to the beach and helped me find sea glass and shells. I remember our bus trips to K-mart and going to the K-mart Cafe and how you would always get me coloring books and Berenstein Bears books. I remember when I got a little older you got me a coloring book of fairies, elves and gnomes and colored pencils and it sat up on a shelf in the laundry room where the little kids couldn't get to it, it was just for me. I still have that book. I remember how you had chapstick in the drawers in the bathroom just for us to put on while you put on makeup. 

I remember Sunday dinners when you would bring your apple salad. And you would always put just enough cherries on the top for each of us kids to have one with the stem on it. Now I make it for my friends and they all love "Grandma's Apple Salad."

When I think of you, I always think of that orange had that Grandpa bought you. I love that hat. I think of you when I see the wisteria. Somehow I always think that I'll never really be at home unless I have a wisteria in my yard. 

I'm so glad I got to see you when I was home in August. I love you so much Grandma. 

Love, 

Emily Claire

Days 21 and 22

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
I am not usually a hater, or a fighter- but I suppose that had I gotten this news, that I would quickly forget whatever the fight was about. I would feel terrible, but everything would work out.

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
I try to not have any regrets, my sister R is my role model. She has only I think 3 regrets, and one of them is not buying the dino shaped sandwich cutter at DI last year. It's a good pattern to follow. 

I wish that I hadn't fought going on anti-anxiety meds on my mission. (Maybe then I would have been able to finish it out). 
I wish I hadn't put so much effort into relationships that were clearly one sided (both with boys and girls). 
I wish I hadn't let people treat me poorly and that rather, I'd stood up for myself. 

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

It is a very good thing that I don't do drugs or drink.
I think I would probably be an alcoholic or a drug addict. Then I could go to meetings and say:
"I'm Emily, I'm an alcoholic."
Rather than go to AA meetings, since I feel like this is a safe space, here's my confession:
I LOVE Dr Pepper.
(wait, not that kind...)
 (That Kind!)
 A lot.
And sometimes I drink a lot of it.
BUT I am terrified of addiction. (caffeine is a gateway drug, you know.)
So when I start to need that Dr Pepper, that's when I cut myself off.
That way I don't get addicted.
I think this is a great plan :)

As for other people. It's back to that choice thing, until your choices start affecting me or my family, then I'll probably take exception to them. Just make good choices. Know your limit, don't do things you wouldn't normally do, and for heaven's sake, DON'T Drive!

PS: There are 5 months and 12 days till graduation. I think I have senioritis. But don't worry mom-- I just stayed up to 12:15 writing a report for one of my classes. I'm a good student, I am!

Day 19: Your feelings about religion.

So today was a rough day. Actually this week has kind of been a suck fest, and today, even when I was TRYING to be righteous by going to the CES fireside at the Marriott Center, I saw Eric with his fiancée. Luckily for me Shelly's flight response kicked in, and she got us to new seats before I had myself a little public cry. (The Marriott center seats 22,700 people. He HAD to sit in the section next to ours, really?). I hate that it still bothers me so much. I'm having a hard time finding the good in much today, but there was a poem that Elder Ballard read that stuck with me:

A mighty wind blew night and day

It stole the oak tree's leaves away

Than snapped it's boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark

But still the oak tree held its ground

While other trees fell all around

The weary wind gave up and spoke.

How can you still be standing Oak?

The oak tree said, I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two

Carry every leaf away

Shake my limbs, and make me sway

But I have roots stretched in the earth

Growing stronger since my birth

You'll never touch them, for you see

They are the deepest part of me

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure

But now I've found, with thanks to you

I'm stronger than I ever knew

                                           by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr

I seem to be in the part of life where the wind blows. And it's loud and drowns out any other sounds, any comfort and covers up any help. But I was taught well. I've been blessed with many experiences to know that God does love me. I know that Jesus is the Christ. And someday, when this darn wind stops blowing for a minute, and my leaves can grow back, and my broken branches will mend, I'll realize how strong I really am. 
But for now, I'm just a broken tree, it's taking all I can do to stand.
I am thankful for my deep roots, because they're my best hope for survival.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

This one is a hot button issue right now, and likely will be for the rest of my life. I'm just stating my opinion, and my beliefs. I'm trying to be politically correct, but sometimes you just have to say it how it is and let the chips fall.

 I am opposed to gay marriage. I think that each of us has the ability to choose. However, I also believe, that "marriage is ordained of God" and that it should only be between a man and a woman. I don't think that my desire to keep it that way means that I am mean, nasty or intolerant. I am not a hater. I think that there is good in everyone, and think that we could all do better to love one another.

So choose what you want to do. But don't change what has been since the beginning of time and please don't shove your opinions down my throat then call me a bigot when I have a hard time swallowing them.

PS: in 1995 President Gordon B Hinckley, Prophet of the Lord made a Proclamation to the World on the family. Read it here. It is incredible that the Lord used his servant to clarify the importance of, and also to define the family.

Double Majoring

"Heaven forbid I graduate without a secondary Mrs. degree. Not all of us double major, you know..."
The Anti-Austen

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I've been thinking all day about a book that had really changed my views on something.
I could say the Book of Mormon, which changes my views on myself and my relationship with God.

 

Or how Henry Eyring's talk called Waiting Upon the Lord, changed my view on trials and the purpose of this mortal existence. 

 

I could say that in seventh grade when Mrs. Finch suggested that I read Shabanu; Daughter of the Wind, it changed my views on my identity as a young woman, and it made me grateful to live in the country and time and with the customs that I do.

 

But today, the 'book' I read today, wasn't a book (thus the quotes). Today at work my boss was upstairs doing something, and I'd finished what she wanted me to do so I sat down at the table and I started flipping through the  catalog that had come in the mail today. It was one of those knick-knacky types that are fun to look through and see what they have (but mostly it's things nobody would ever order, like the red sequined baseball cap on the cover). But I did like some of the jewelry; the rings, and this necklace:

For the rest of the day I thought about this. How must it feel to be a caterpillar. Now, I know that the caterpillar's brain is super duper small and probably has just two thoughts 1) "find food" and 2) "don't get eaten". She comes to the point where instincts tell her to find a safe spot and start spinning herself into a chrysalis, and pretty soon she's all wrapped up, and it's not comfortable. She can't move, she can't find food, she can't even see. Things are getting a little hairy. Plus, her body is doing freaky things that she doesn't understand. The world must be ending.

Then, she begins to try to push against this self imposed prison, she stretches, she gets out of her comfort zone, and she decides that she is not going to be a victim of her circumstances, she's going to do everything she can to fix it. 

And she does. 

Hello Butterfly!

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without

I could make quite the list of things I am capable of living without. 


For example: The headache that I currently have that, while it will go away, will again rear its ugly head, probably sooner rather than later. Lame.


Actually I think I could live without pain of all kinds. 


I could live without people telling me I need to get married. Seriously? I know. I want it. And if I knew HOW to get there, if there was anything I could do, don't you think I'd have done it by now?(Be righteous/read scriptures/go to church/temple/serve a mission/fulfill callings/visit teach/pray/etc/etc/etc...check (and continually checking)) I know how great and important and wonderful it is. I may talk big and strong and proud like I don't need/want marriage/a man. But I know better, and if you know me, you know that all that talk is just me trying to be tough and not let on how hard it is to be 24 and single in the land of  engagements of 18 year old freshmen to 21 year old RM's who've known each other a month, how hard it is to be happy for them, and for your old roommates who are pregnant, and for your friends from high school who have 2 babies already. (Please note, I am so happy for them, but at the same time, it brings sharp contrast to my single life). And how it's like a slap in the face when someone in your class asks what your husband is doing (possible answers: "looking for me, I hope" "not drugs" "I don't know, but he's LATE"). And it's just hard. I don't need to be reminded of it. I just want to live my life, and when/if it happens for me, then it will happen. 


That being said, the last two days I've thought a lot about pain and heartache and why life sucks sometimes, because I feel like I've been in the middle of some serious suckage. Here's what I came up with:

• Last night I was driving home from my AWESOME friend's house, and I was thinking about this, and into my mind came the words to the 4th verse of I am a Child of God (it's in the Primary songbook). It says; "I am a child of God, His Promises are sure, Celestial glory can(shall?) be mine, If I can but endure." God keeps His promises, and what does he promise? Joy--God loves me and wants me to be happy, remember? Men are that they might have JOY, and not just any joy, a FULLNESS of joy. Elder Holland in a 1997 CES fireside said, “ I submit to you that this may be one of the Saviors commandments that is even in the hearts of otherwise faithful Latter-day Saints almost universally disobeyed…I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when He finds that his people do not feel confident in His care or secure in His hands or trust in His commitments.” So I need to trust more, I need to feel more confidence. Long story short: more faith. 
• Brigham Young said something similar to the following "every trial and experience we are called to pass through is necessary for our salvation." Now, I believe that Brother Brigham was a prophet, so when he says every trial is necessary, I'm pretty sure he means it. Even those that 'hurt abominably and do not seem to make sense,' even the big ones and the little ones and the ones we bring on ourselves and the ones that we don't. Again: more faith. 
• Then I ran across a quote from a book by Carlfred Broderick called: "The Uses of Adversity." He said "The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is resource in event of pain, and when that pain comes (and it will come because we came here on earth to have pain among other things), when it comes, rejoice that you have resource to deal with your pain.” Here's the gospel in Action part of it all. This is what we have the gospel for! The to patch us up when we're broken. Sometimes, it's because we sin, and sometimes it's just because life is supposed to beat the crap out of us. That's what the Atonement is for, both of those things. Alma 7:11-14 talks about how Christ will succor us. He will run to our aid. He alone can take away the pain, or maybe not take it away, but give us strength to endure it well. 
• “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our character, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God…it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.”
  (as quoted in “Tragedy or Destiny”, Orson F. Whitney p.6) That one's like Brother Brother Brigham. I've heard this quote before

So while I'd give up the headache in a heartbeat, I guess I'm supposed to have the other pain, but, lucky for me, I'm not supposed to go it alone. 

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Once upon a time, this summer, I worked my butt off (literally) housekeeping and got skinnier.
I felt pretty good about myself and the super cute jeans I was able to fit into.
Then I came back to school.
I had some emotional disturbances in my life, and I started tossing my cookies and stopped eating (very much)  (Please note: this was a physiological reaction, rather than a self inflicted state.)
So I remained skinnier, and perhaps even got more so.
After two months of the aforementioned cookie tossing, I went to the doctor.
She diagnosed the physiological reason and started me on some medicine that took care of the up-chucking.
I started to feel better.
And I started to eat.
And wouldn't you know, Those jeans started getting a little snug. (boo!)
I realized that Thanksgiving was coming up, and that following that would be much cookie eating and joy.
So I decided on November 1st that I would stop eating sugar until Thanksgiving.

Who was I kidding?
It didn't last long. And by not long, I mean that it lasted until my roommate brought home doughnuts.

(That being said, I do want to start being more careful about what/how much I eat. I like the worked off butt look)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)

I tried to write something here. But it ended up sounding petty and morose. Actually, I mostly feel pretty morose. So I guess today I feel like about everyone has let me down. But instead of a letter, I think I'll write a Haiku. 


My hero needs to
Stop being a jerk to me
so we can talk more


or


Cake is a hero
That will never let you down
Cake is there. To eat. 


or


The Testing Center
Place that causes fear and dread
See you tomorrow.


or


This is fun! to write
Silly poems rather than sleep
sure beats counting sheep


or


If you send your boy
off to scout camp you watch out
he might not come back


That one's not funny
at least not this soon after
Give it twenty years.

Days 12 and 13...

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on. I don't know that I can really think of anything. I never get complimented on... yeah. I've got nothing. 

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.) 
Dear Chely Wright,
I want you to know that your song "shut up and drive" has been my go-to break up song for years. That being said, I haven't really experienced that many breakups, but when they come, and they're usually doozies, your song becomes the one I sing in the car, the one on repeat on my playlists. 
In the moment I remember to blink back the tears and keep my pride. I crank up the loud music, and don't look back. Once I've realized that the person I loved was just who I made them up to be I think of the line "you'll only miss the man, you wanted him to be." I seem to find that to be the case with most of the guys I've been interested in. Someday maybe I'll see straight. 
So for now, your song is on the shelf, but never fear, when I need it again, out she'll come reminding me to move on, not to cry too much, and that he's not the one. 
Love,
Emily

Flashbacks of 7th grade, and why I rock.

I have been studying for the GRE for the past few months. (For those of you lucky enough to not know what that is, it's the Graduate Record Exam, like the ACT/SAT on steroids. It's a computer based test that gives you harder questions as you get them correct, and easier questions as you get them wrong). The GRE is, in my opinion, an excuse to charge an exorbitant amount of money ($160!) to force you to re-live 7th and 8th grade math class, (complete with Ms Hafferty and Mr Thompson with his sweaty hand prints on the white board) which brings back flashbacks of the middle school experience, reducing you to a pile of quivering awkwardness crying in the corner. I mean, seriously! I'm going to be a speech therapist, why does my ability to remember the area formula for a rhombus have anything to do with getting into a master's program to teach kids to say their /r/ and /s/ sounds? What sick, sick person decided that this is a good idea?

That being said, two weeks ago on a Saturday I woke up early-ish and I determined that I would take one of the practice tests that I had been studying for. I had done practice questions, and LOTS of vocabulary (my day isn't complete without a little vocabulary study), but hadn't dared to take one of the practice exams.

I took the exam, felt ok about it, then saw my scores. Now, keep in mind, that in my past I have excelled at multiple choice tests. In elementary/middle/high school I loved standardized testing weeks- I know, it's a sickness-, something about filling in the bubbles I guess... I even took the ACT three times, and probably even enjoyed it a little, and the scores I got reflected that mindset. I had the family high score on the ACT till one of my sisters who will not be named- coughrachelcough- came along and beat me by ONE point. Just one. (Will she let me or anyone else forget it, no. Unless mom had the audacity to move it, her score is still hanging on our kitchen refrigerator. Said sister is a sophomore at BYU this year... just sayin').  Anyway, this is about me.

So last Saturday I took the first practice test and got a 980 combined score, a 460 on the verbal and a 520 on the math. The GRE is based on an 800 point standard for EACH section. getting a 980 was bad. (that being said most grad schools want a minimum of 400 on each test to be considered for admittance), but still. I was seriously depressed. My grades are ok, but I'm going to need a good GRE score in order to have the choices I want for grad schools.

Yesterday, I couldn't make myself face that kind of rejection/disappointment again. But today, after taking a nice nap, I decided to try again, just to see if I'd improved with my studying this past week. I take the GRE on the 18th of November, so there is only a limited amount of time before the day of reckoning comes.

So I took the second practice test! And well... I ROCK.

1320 combined score! 590 on the Verbal and a 730 on the Math! YEAH BUDDY!