Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match!

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single [girl of a certain age] must be in want of a [husband].. However little known the feelings or views of such a girl may be on her first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that she is considered as the sole focus of all her friends matchmaking attemptsu

• So... in the past couple of weeks it seems that EVERYONE and their cousin wants to set me up. First, it was my sister who gave my phone number to a guy from her old single's ward along with a picture of me (he never called, but I am not really offended, seeing as that is a tad awkward).
• The second matchmaking attempt was my old friend J. We ran into eachother at the beginning of the semester and have been stalking each other ever since. (ie: running into each other at random places and times). We've hung out a few times and our wards met in the same building and so I saw him regularly. The last Sunday of the semester (he's doing a study abroad in Jerusalem next semester) he comes up to me and says 'I want to set you up with my roommate.' He proceeds to take me into the 'chapel' room and point his roommate out to me. So... I told him that he could give him my number or whatever. I haven't heard... but I also haven't been in Provo for 2 weeks.
• The final was rather unexpected. Today I went out with one of my best friends from summer, A. I realized, after going to the ward's FHE that She and T. are the only reasons that I survived the 8 months that I spent here. Her brother, B. (who goes to Utah State and is my age and has a girlfriend) came with us and as we left and were going to the mall, we were talking about the ward and how... special it is. Her brother said that the guys were 'interesting' and the girls were 'trying too hard'. He said there were only a few girls there that he would even think of dating. Sure there were some hot ones, but that's not a good enough reason to date them. After talking to each other for a while A. said 'you should go on a date while you're in town (ie: me and her little brother). He was not opposed to the idea, then remembered that he had a girlfriend (who is going on a mission). Later were were at happy hour (oh, how I've missed Seattle!) and he said that I was one of the girls at FHE that he would consider dating, he said that I was pretty logical (for a girl) and seemed content with myself (not overly concerned with pushing myself on people) and that I was attractive. He also told me that he thought I looked good (A. and I were talking about my weight loss since going back to school). Honestly, he lives in Logan and has a girlfriend. I'm not expecting anything, but it was flattering. He wasn't sucking up, he didn't want anything from me. He was just straightforward and honest. It was utterly refreshing. It could have been so awkward that A. wanted to hook us up, but he was so chill. Is it weird to check out your friend's little brothers? I suppose not, A is about a year older than I am, B. is probably 6 months younger. Whatever.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
catch me a catch
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
I'll bring the veil,
You bring the groom,
Slender and pale.
Bring me a ring for I'm longing to be,
The envy of all I see.

For Papa,
Make him a scholar.

For mama,
Make him rich as a king.

For me, well,
I wouldn't holler
If he were as handsome as anything.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
Catch me a catch,
Night after night in the dark I'm alone
So find me match,
Of my own.

Home Cooking!

Today I was just in need of some good home cooking. It was cold outside and I'm slowly realizing that this semester is coming to an end. Some of me is happy about this (no more anatomy lab!) and some of me is sad (I was really starting to like the people in my anatomy lab/ some of the boys I got to hangout with that with a more major intensive class schedule this next semester I won't see any more). (Alas, the boy that I've decided to start having a crush on is in my major (one of the 3 unmarried ones) and we'll have at least 2 classes together next semester.) Anyway, I'm off subject. The important thing is that I haven't felt well the last few weeks and my attempts at culinary endeavors have been weak. So today I decided to make a pot roast. I knew that the best kind were the kind with onion soup mix (and I had bought some of that) also I decided that Cream-of-Mushroom was never a bad thing. So I looked for recipes. Found one that looked decent and started chopping. I'm sharing now because it was AMAZING!

1: Take a Roast (you pick what kind) as big as you want it and season it with salt and pepper. Then brown it in a sauce pan with some oil.

2: spray your baking dish with pam and plop the roast in it. Then add veggies all around it. I did carrots and onions and celery, you could also do potatoes or other root veggies, I suppose.

3: Sprinkle the dry onion soup mix over the roast/veggies

4: Take 1-2 cans of cream of mushroom soup (depending on the size of your roast) and mix it with 3/4 can of water for each can of soup. After you mix it dump it on your roast.

5: Cover with Foil

6: Bake at 325* for 2 hours (well I baked mine for 2 hours and it was just under 2 lbs, but It would have been ok a little less done... maybe bake for an hour each pound? Maybe you should look up cooking times for whatever size roast you have :))

7: Let the roast rest for a little while and make mashed potatoes. Then slice it and put it back in the gravy in the pan (it's YUMMY). Serve over rice, mashed potatoes or even baked spuds.

8: This is a no fail roast... it's Amazing!

Domestic Goddessness here I come! (Now if only I had a man who would appreciate it!)

Jewlrey Give away :)

So I saw the chance to win free jewelry on a friend's blog... and since I'm always up for free jewelry I thought it couldn't hurt. Go check out this blog and you too can enter to win :)

http://ardesigns.blogspot.com

Communication Disorders...

This week has been interesting, to say the least... Nah, let's start about a month ago. An elder from my mission (who is home now) asked me if I wanted to go see a really great concert with him on Wednesday night (Thanksgiving Eve). I'm not particularly interested in said boy... we'll call him "Dean". Dean, is a nice kid, but not really my type... at all. But I have a 'always says yes once' policy. So I said yes.

He asked me a month ago, but I didn't hear from him till about a week ago, at which point Dean told me that he had forgotten to actually buy the tickets and so he cancelled. This seemed a little fishy... but I just took it at face value, no sweat, no skin off my back, whatever. Wednesday came and I'd kind of wondered if he was going to ask to hang out anyway, but I heard nothing. But the morning of the concert Dean posts something along the lines of 'Concert tonight is going to rock!' Immediately I assumed the worst. (I've been lied to by enough guys to not trust them easily). I fumed, yelled, was incensed, told people, and, of course, changed my facebook status to reflect my angry self, about stupid boys who lie... (getting great comments from a lot of my mom's friends). So, I told my parents about it, and they were upset for me. Dad especially. But I figured that I at least deserved an explanation. Dad told me what to post on Dean's wall and it was rather sarcastic and a little nasty. I had a second thought, but did it anyway.

Later that evening I checked my facebook, and sure enough there was a message from him. He told me that he had just bought a single ticket that morning and that he was really sorry for the misunderstanding and that he wanted to make it up to me. I definitely had an 'open mouth-insert foot' moment.

I was telling my sister's in laws about the situation. Her father in law, trying to change the subject, asked me what I was studying in school to which I laughingly responded

Communication Disorders.

Domestic Prostitution

Early in my college career I learned about something called Domestic Prostitution. It is supporting moochers. Specifically of the male variety. In my younger years I participated in the aforementioned practice. I would bake then sweetly deliver baked goods to boys doors. Since returning from my mission (and especially after giving up sugar and flour) I determined that I would not cook for boys. I shared my feelings with my roommates and taught them the term. The exception to the rule is when there is an exchange of services... say you help me make bread dough, I deliver some of the finished product. If you make me dinner, I'll bring dessert. Or tonight's example if you take me to the anatomy lab and teach me terms, I will give you a piece of honey sweetened whole wheat crusted pumpkin pie. My roommate had the gall to tell me that I was participating in the practice of domestic prostitution. Unbelievable! She banned me from using those words (who is she to tell me what I can and can't say?) and she won't let it go 'I can't believe you gave him a piece of pie...' and it goes on and on and on. Seriously? Mind your own business wench. (I'm working on charity tomorrow)

Sick!

My roommate just scraped the fuzz off of her can of refried beans that's been in the fridge for a while. And ate it. Sick!

Attainable Love

'Cuz (s)he is afraid of Attainable Love

Afraid it will envelop [her], swallow [her] up

All of [her] life (s)he has resisted the tug

Of Attainable Love

Attainable Love

~Christine Lavin

Today I went on a date... it was so nice. Unfortunately. We made pizza, then went mini-golfing, then watched a movie. We sat on the couch with shoulders touching (the love seat was big enough he could have stayed on his own side) he even wore cologne tonight. (I on the other hand have been running all day-- I was even 30 min late-- was lucky to have had deodorant on. There wasn't anything amazing, no fireworks or stars, it was just comfortable. It was with one of the elders from the mission. And it was nice. I liked him on the mission (I use the word like to mean respected, appreciated, trusted, etc.) Now, outside the mission, I still like him. He's really a stellar person. So, you may ask, why is he un-attainable? Hasn't he asked you out twice now? What's the issue. His heart's not in it... He's got another girl on his mind. ~sigh~ BUT I will not let myself indulge in a crush... though crushes on the unattainable are my favorite. Are they out of the country, in love with someone else, on a mission? Oh baby, that's my kind of man!

And, for your enjoyment, the lyrics to the whole song!

He's not eighteen
He's not twenty-five
He's closing in on forty
Look at those eyes
He's searching for something
He can not describe
He's not unhappy
He's not satisfied.

He falls in love with covers of slick magazines
With serious actresses
On the screen
All are unattainable except in his dreams
Where his heart and his soul reside.

'Cuz he is afraid of Attainable Love
Afraid it will envelop him, swallow him up
All of his life he has resisted the tug
Of Attainable Love
Attainable Love

His dance card is full
He's so much in demand
He gets nervous when his partners try to hold his hand
He's got to keep his options open
He's that kind of man
The girls he cha-cha's with never understand.

They wonder if he's gay
But the truth is he's not
He just won't settle for whatever it is he's got
They want to Tango
He want's to Fox Trot
Don't even think about the Can-Can
He can't can't.

'Cuz he is afraid of Attainable Love
Afraid it will envelop him - swallow him up
All of his life he has resisted the tug
Of Attainable Love
Attainable Love.

Add me to the list of women
Who think you'll be different with me
Add me to the list of fools
Who flatly refuse to see
That just like me....

He is afraid of Attainable Love
Afraid it will envelop him - swallow him up
All of his life he has resisted the tug
Of Attainable Love
Attainable
He is afraid of Attainable Love
Afraid it will envelop and swallow him up
All of his life he has resisted the tug
Of Attainable Love
Attainable
All of his life he has resisted the tug

On a lighter note...

I have a date on Saturday night... and I'm pretty excited about it. It's no pressure because I know he's not interested, so it can just be fun.

Just thought I'd share happy news too!

Don't be a boob

If you decide to be unhappy keep it to yourself... I don't want you to rub off on me. I don't need to sit and listen to you be upset for hours on end. Because who ever you're complaining about will probably complain to me later about you. If your car breaks-- I'm sorry, but seriously, it's not the end of the world. Things could be worse. Like you could have cancer (like someone I know) Your family member could have been shot at Ft. Hood today. My life is far from perfect, but I'm not whining to you about it... I'm going to do something to fix it, or get over it. I might whine for a moment; I won't lie, but seriously... you being the baby of the family and being used to constant attention won't get you far with me. I was not raised that way. I'm not going to accompany you to everything that you want me to. I'm not going to bend to your every whim. I'm not that kind of girl. I will have my own life. I am going to do my best for me to be happy. Call me selfish. Whatever. I need to take care of me. I am moving out. Without you. I am finding a new ward. A new set of roommates. Older, more like me, more mature... I love you, don't get me wrong. We had fun at the beginning, but lately I've just become your sounding board. Just someone to listen to you whine about everything that you feel like is terrible in your cushy- trust-funded life.

Another one...

I apologize for the angst. But seriously. This is getting ridiculous. So there was yesterday's fiasco with the HTer. Then today this boy who my roommate likes, and who we all think is cute came over and asked her out in front of us! My whole life I've been told that I'm amazing and that there's someone special for me and to just be patient and wait for God's timing. But I sometimes wonder. Sunday our Stake President came and talked to us about preparing to be wives and mothers. What do you think I've been doing? And thanks for making me feel so much better about myself because I'm not dating at all. But if every boy we bring to the apartment goes after my perfect roommate (because unfortunately she is) then it's never going to happen. And finding him in my classes, not going to happen. there's like 3 guys.I feel so constantly like that man who brought his son to the Lord and Christ told him 'all things are possible if you believe' and he said 'Lord, I believe! ... Help thou my unbelief' I want to believe... I do, but there's always this doubt. this wondering if I'm not good enough. If I'm not worthy enough for His love, and His blessings. Much less the love of someone who's less perfect and WAY less important. you know?

Again-- apologies for the pity party.

Un-be-freaking-lieveable!

So today has been rough. I'm sick, I've had a cold for a few days that'll be the death of me. I still have a mid-term to take and I'm tired. Dad one time said that to stop me, they'd have to drive a stake into the ground and tie me to it (or something like that). I went to church today, then I had a Presidency meeting, then a visiting teaching appointment. Then I had about half hour before Malia and my Home Teachers came. (This ward is the first in a while that I've actually had Home and Visiting Teachers in). So we talked... it was good. Whatever. Then they left. I sat down to watch My Fair Lady and relax before I got ready for Family Dinner. Then I got a text from one of our Home Teachers.

"So tell me. Does your roommate Jessica like fat guys with sarcastic, sometimes inappropriate personalities?"

Seriously? Seriously? now part of if, I'll admit was that I kind of like the HT. He's funny. We have a class together. But my latest mode of dealing with men is to not get attached till they do.

Jess dates like crazy. She's super cute and busy and great. It's just hard to be the roommate all the time. I tell you. The best way to get married is to be my roommate. Seriously.

Namaste

This morning, before tossing my cookies, I went to my yoga class. At the end of the class, the teacher gave the normal salute, Namaste with hands in heart center. The teacher told us that it has many different meanings, one of which being that the Divine in me recognizes the Divine in you. I thought about that a lot. Every person we meet has a spark of the divine. Each of us are children of God, and when we recognize that in others, we give them permission to shine.

So, Namaste.

I won't be responsible for what happens...

Tonight I went on a date. I call it a date for it's structural rather than it's functional classifications. (Oh man, too much anatomy in my brain!) Structurally, it fit the 3 p's, Planned, Paired off, and Paid for. Functionally... well it was with my favorite district leader. (As we talked tonight, I felt more and more confident in that favorite DL title) Also, I'm pretty sure our conversation was CLEARLY in the friend zone, making the main topic of this blog even more hilarious.

On campus they had an event called 'acoustic explosion' in the WILK and so we went and listened to this group called the Tangleson brothers. They were really pretty good. The music was enjoyable to listen to and it was a nice ice-breaking time (you know, when you don't have to talk to who ever you're with and you can just become comfortable with them) (PS I'd only seen him once in more than a year-- he just got home in August and it was the August before that that I was transfered out of his area)*This is all probably too much information, you can skim*

So after the acoustic explosion thing was over we decided to go to some good old Baskin and Robbin's for some Ice Cream. So, this kid from my freshman ward, Andy, works there. I've been once before this semester with my roommates and Andy and I talked then. Of course he was working tonight. I ordered my kid's scoop of York Ice Cream with the sugar cone on the top and then I kind of wandered while He made his decision. I was throwing away a dirty napkin when I hear Andy telling my date that 'She's a great girl and if you don't treat her well, I won't be responsible for what happens.' He repeated this (like he often does in conversation) MULTIPLE times... oh man. I almost died! It was hilarious.

The thing is, even though we are just friends (we talked for hours after this about everything) I know that he would protect and treat me well. He would keep my secrets and not laugh at my feelings that I don't tell people. He told me one night on the mission when we were talking that he prayed for me. At the time that meant the world. Even little things he is definitely the kind of guy who takes care of people. He opened all of my doors, walked on the car-side of the street (to protect me), and stopped me from walking out in front of traffic.

I like him. When I say this I mean I want to keep being his friend.

Reunions

Since I've been home from my mission, I have been a part of many reunions, formal and informal. 9 months ago I had a reunion with my parents and siblings. In August a reunion with some of my extended family and my brother's family. Since being back at BYU I've been reunited with a plethora of friends from both before 'the mish' and from 'the mish.' Tonight I went to my first Mission reunion. It was good to see President (surprising, but what a blessing) and Sister Wallis (I knew seeing her would be great). It was a little awkward, I don't really know most of the elders and those I did have more elder friends than to hang out with me. Maryann was there though, and Katie and Tasha and Stacy and Heather. Brittany and Ashley were there too, with their elder/husbands. So I talked to each of them briefly then Katie and Tasha and Heather(+ fiancé) and Stacy(that one's a little awkward due to earlier drama) and Kevin and I went out to Joe's Crab Shack and visited. It was wonderful! When I got home I hopped on Facebook and Sister Marion asked me how the reunion was. The Logans were there, but the Marions weren't. I told her that President is planning on having a reunion every 6 months at conference time. She said that maybe she would be able to come to the next one, then asked if I knew why they weren't at this one. Then she told me that Elder Marion is home with hospice. He's not doing well. I couldn't help but cry. That man wore out his life in service to the Lord. He still was undergoing Chemo treatments when he was out on his mission. I still remember the last time I saw them, at the Sonic in Morehead City. Goodness, that will be a happy reunion some day, to see Elder Marion healthy.

So here's to reunions. The happy and sad, the past, soon to come and those that we only hope for in the distant future when time will no longer be an issue.

Man Friends

I never feel like my life is complete with out a good group of man friends. They provide a certain amount of stability when girls are emotional roller coasters. The other day I just wanted to go over to the one guy friend that I have from before my mission and knock on his door, and ask him for a hug. I did not, but I saw him at church (he's kind of stalking me) and told him and he gave me a great hug then. Then, tonight after FHE I stayed at the guy's apartment and just chillaxed. I hope I didn't overstay my welcome, but it was great. We just talked, about life, guys and girls, the law of least interest, and missions. One of them served in the Charlotte mission and it's amazing how similar, yet how different our missions were. The other served in Everett, which is also amazing! At first, I found out that we had 4 FHE brothers to 14 sisters, I was wary. Then I found out that one of them was a pre-mi. Oh man... But they're great. I feel like I could have conversations with them, if I met them on the way home... then again, I don't generally have a problem with conversation.

Who I am...

So last night I had a terrible dream! I dreamt that because my sister was married now (and thus no longer a Zimmerman) that we all had to change our last names. It was awful. We had to have some strange, short last name that started with a Y. I don't remember. But it was terrible. I realized that without being a Zimmerman, I wouldn't know who I am. It was interesting to realize that no matter what I struggle with, no matter where I go, I know who I am. I have earthly and heavenly parents who love me and want me to be successful. I know where I stand. Even when, someday (ha) my last name will change (unless I make my husband take my name) I will still know who I am. Isn't that amazing!

S.O.B. (Sister of the Bride)

"Must be so hard to watch your younger sister get married before you." "Yes. Then I remember that I still get to have hot hate (kissing) with random strangers and I feel SO much better!"

Checklist

• Take out all garbage in the house-- Check (oh, need to grab the bathroom/bedroom garbage) Uncheck (I'll pull them out while I brush my teeth)
• Wrap Bridal shower gift, include witty note- Check
• Organize Kitchen table with all the wedding crap that's been stored in various places in my house-- Check
• Pile packed stuff in kitchen, 5' high- Check
• Deflate exercise ball- Check
• Tires rotated and balanced- Check! (and the guys at the Big-O tires in Issaquah did it for free!)
• Make bedroom ready to share with sister- not quite
• Shampoo mom's carpets- tomorrow? or did I talk myself out of it?
• Go to FHE say goodbye to my friends- Check
• Vacuum my apartment- tomorrow? Wednesday?
• Lunch with Elise- Tomorrow at 12:30
• Bridal Shower- Tomorrow 7pm
• Oil changed and fluids checked- Tomorrow before lunch with Elise
• Clean Bathroom- before I go to bed? (it's 3am... maybe not, but Kristen's coming home at 9 tomorrow and the sink at least should be cleaned... )
• Laundry/pack for trip- half-check
• Dinner with Jessica- Wednesday? Maybe just happy hour...
• Save Tiffany from awkward assigned date- Wednesday night, 9pm.

To the person who parked terribly

Parking Violation:

This is not a ticket, but if it were within my power, you would receive tow. Because of your bull headed, inconsiderate, feeble attempt at parking, you have taken enough room for a 20 mule team, 2 elephants, 1 goat and a safari of pygmies from the African interior. The reason for giving you this is that that in the future you may think of someone else, other than yourself. Besides I don't like domineering, egotistical or simple minded drivers and you probably fit into one of these categories. I sign off wishing you and early transmission failure (on the expressway at about 4:30pm). Also may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.

With my compliments.

(I wish I'd written this... alas, I did not)

Peanut M&M's

Almost 5 years ago I was a freshman in college. In my apartment if you got engaged you were supposed to make your roomies dinner, kissing meant they got ice cream and holding hands got them M&M's. The other day, while rearranging my stuff to get ready to move I found a package of Peanut M&M's on the back they said in small neat letters. 'Tony's M&M's.' I remember going across to the Creamery on Ninth to buy them along with the ice cream. And I remember feeling defined by the idea that I had held a boys hand- it was a turning point in my life. I know this sounds pretty silly. But I can count on one hand how many boys who's hand I've held. And I still have fingers left over. (Two of them). I later shoved that wrapper in a box. Too significant to toss out, but too painful to leave out. Finding it the other day brought up no painful memories, but it did make me smile.

Last night I went on the first date that I've been on in years (I was doing that whole mission thing for 14 months of it, and in Alaska for 5 months of it.) The guys we went with (Aside- one of them is a guy who was in my ward growing up and who has always been super attractive) got us (Me, Tiffany and Amanda) some Peanut M&M's. And just like that package from so many years ago I think it signifies a new beginning. I'm excited to move forward.

I say amen and it's still raining...

I was sure by now, God You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain,
I'm with you
(Praise You In this storm- Casting Crowns)

I've been pondering answered prayers as of late. Why some are and aren't answered. How I can be more patient and trusting in God's promises. I know he wants me to be happy, not just to survive, but to thrive. Not just exist, but to have joy! There's a quote about how life isn't about avoiding the storms but about learning how to dance in the rain. It seems that my day to day life is pretty easy- no major trials. But the big picture is what I struggle with. Those long term prayers that never seem to be answered.

Lord, I believe, Help thou mine unbelief.(Mark 9:24)

Reevaluating self

It seems surreal how soon I will be headed back to school. A month from today Kristen is getting married. I'll be in Utah. In a month and 2 days I will move into my apartment, and in a month and 6 days school starts for the first time in 32 months. I am terrified. Scared of failing, scared of being lonely, scared of success. There's a quote by Marianne Williamson that talks about how we are more afraid of our light than our darkness, we are afraid to let our lights shine. I have spent years being told I'm not enough... my dad (I don't want this to sound poor me, I love my dad dearly, but he's not perfect) always was saying things like "you guys can't do anything right, I have to do everything." my 'friends' who've told me all the reasons that I am terrible and even on my mission when I had a companion tell me that I was not enough. My mom told me nobody would love me the way I am and all these things weigh me down. There is a line in Pretty Woman that says "The bad things are easier to believe" It's true. You let all these things weigh you down and pretty soon... you are terrified of moving forward, of letting yourself out of your bubble. You spend your life trying to convince yourself and others that you are worthy of their attention or of their time, while all the time neglecting your true self, coming off disingenuous and promoting the same problems.

I realized how terribly skewed my sense of self worth is. I don't think I can do it, whatever it is, scholastically, socially, physically. Because I don't think I can, I can't. That's not who I was born to be. I was not born to cower and shrink. I was born for greatness. Maybe not fame, but to do great things in big and small places and ways.

Now I just have to believe that.

I have lived...

I've started getting a little stir crazy here in Washington. I've never stayed this long anywhere for a while. So here's my list of my moves, notice the increasing of frequency in my later years...

1) Orem Utah, basement apartment. My parents lived in their little love nest from the time they were married, through the birth of my brother and I till we moved to our next house to take care of my grandparents.

2)Renton, WA: When I was 2 we moved from Utah to WA to live with my grandparents

3) Kent, WA: Living with the grandparents didn't last long, and we moved to an apartment in Kent. My first memories are from the Kent apartment.

4) Renton, WA: We moved back in with the Grandparents and built them an apartment off of the garage. I lived here from the time I was 3 till I was 18 and went to college. I did live in all 3 of the back rooms, with different roommates at different times.

4)Shipp Hall, Provo, UT: Room 113-- August to December 2004, Room 110-- January to April 2005

5) Home again, home again jiggity-jig-- Summer 2005

6) Nauvoo, Illinois-- Fall of 2005 I did a Semester in Nauvoo program through BYU. Oh, how I love that city!

7)Regency 25, Provo, UT-- Winter 2006 with Jenny, Kelsey, Becca, Marybeth and Janet, then Summer 2006 with Kelsey, Jessica, Cari, Diana, Camille, and a girl named Lisa who I think never slept there.

8) Regency 205 (They re-numbered the apartments, it used to be 14), Provo, UT-- They wouldn't let me stay in my same apartment, so I had to move, but I loved living with Amberly(Marybeth's sister), Whitney, Christine, Ardis and Shannon.

9) Home again! January-April 2007 I decided to go on a mission, so it was home to work. I got a job as a nanny.

10) Rental House, Anchorage, AK-- One day my boss came home and said 'Alex got transfered to AK. Do you want to come?' so I did. The rental house was right across from the Zoo, and we lived there a month while we waited for all our stuff to show up from Seattle and to get the house set up.

11) House on Cape Seville DR, Anchorage, AK-- I love this house. It was big and lots of room for the girls to hang out. We shared our time between this one and...

12) The Driftwood Inn, Homer AK. I loved living in Homer. It was a nice little town.

13) MTC, Provo, UT. Then I went on a mission. 3 weeks in the Missionary Training Center taught me a lot and I slept on my final bunkbed ever!

14) Jacksonville, NC- October 2007 to February 2008

15) Raleigh, NC-- February- April 2008

16) Morehead City, NC-- April to August 2008

17) Fayetteville, NC August to December 2008

18) Surprise-- Home! January 2009 to present. I'm ready to head back to school to move on with my life, to grow up a little bit more.

I'm ready to settle a little bit. In the last 5 years I've moved 15 times. It's exhausting!

Life Changes

I should be more stressed than I am. I have no idea where my life is headed. I'm not even sure I want to go back to BYU in the fall. I'm uncertain about my education, my future employment, heck, my current employment. I just don't know. I'm still not 100% health wise and I'm considering a major life change. One of the girls I visit teach told me about Ayurveda-- traditional Indian medicine (like from India). It's just that 'traditional' medicine isn't doing much for me. I need to get insurance first. I'm looking for a place in Provo that can hopefully help me. Otherwise I'm not going to be able to cut it. I can't keep living like this. 

Seriously?

The things I wish I could tell people often end up as a blog. 

You're going to start dating her. She's only 19, a baby. It's really not that I want to date you. I really don't. (Is it too much to think that I deserve better?) But I wonder why I wasn't good enough for you. It comes back to my same old insecurities-- Am I too fat, not cute enough, not smart or funny or down to earth, or grown up enough? The latter probably isn't the issue-- she's a baby. It's just that I'm pretty insecure and while I have many people tell me that I'm amazing, as Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman said 'The bad stuff is easier to believe'

Missing you.

I hate that we can't be friends any more. We used to be so close, we could practically read eachothers minds. Then it all got messed up. For years we were apart, yet it didn't stop us from being friends. You understood what I was thinking. Now you're still only an email away, but I can't. She's there. I don't begrudge her anything, except that she got one of my very best friends. And because you're married to her, we can't be friends any more. I know that I was the one who insisted on it being this way. I did it for her, and for you, to make your new married life easier. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to date you, I never wanted to marry you- sorry if that sounds harsh. But goodness, I miss you. The worst part is that I can't even tell you. Come fall I'll be back in Provo, I'm sure I'll see you on campus. You said that I'd be friends with Her, and I hope that's true. But is that fair- I don't want to be a third wheel. Maybe when I get married we can all be friends, but I'm not so sure. So that's all. I miss you. Fine, I said it. My shrink would be so proud of me. (If I had one).

Staying Home

Today I was supposed to go camping. There was a campout for the singles from church, and I've been going back and forth about wanting to go and not wanting to go all week. I'd planned on going. But by the time today ended and I got home I was tired, cranky and had a perpetual headache. I didn't want to go meet up with people at the church, pretend to be chipper and happy, and drive an hour to Cle Elum, but I kinda did. But I didn't want to sleep on a sketchy bunk, in a sleeping bag, knowing that I would wake up sore from tossing and turning. So I stayed home. It's been good.
Last night my mom came over and we had a knock down, drag out talk that, as these talks usually do, left me feeling really bad about myself and in tears. It happens, I need a good cry every now and again, and it had been a while. Also, I already started crying when I was watching Grey's Anatomy. Tear Jerker. Don't judge me. Anyway, so all day today parts of last night's conversation have been running through my head and I've been feeling pretty bad. Then I went shopping with mom tonight and we talked about how far I've come in the past 4 months since I came home. Physically, emotionally, I'm not sure about spiritually-- but I think that's because I just came home from a mission-- I'll probably never be at that level again. Well, I hope I will be. But none the less-- I've made progress. She's recognized it. And despite all my other flaws, that she didn't have a problem pointing out last night. She recognized that I'm working on it. I'm trying so hard to move on, to get over, to not be angry and upset about what happened to me. And I'm succeeding!

Would you Rather?

Go to bed without brushing your teeth and have a soothed throat, or have a sore throat and clean teeth? I just popped a cough drop so if I did go to bed I would either have to throw out my drop (and it makes my throat feel way too good to do that) or I would have to skip brushing my teeth, sick nasty. Neither of these sounds like a good plan to me. Perhaps I'll just wait, waste some more time. I could take a shower, or check my email for the 100000 time, or I could just bite the bullet and head off to bed. It's just... I don't like sharing a bed. And it seems like it's going to be my lot in life for the next few days. Kristen flew in on Monday, Greg comes tomorrow. I am working very hard not to freak out about this trip, because Kristen's alread doing enough of that for the both of us. Greg is coming tomorrow. Her boyfriend. Why would I freak out? Well, I am the older sister. I guess I feel like it should be me bringing a guy home. And when she gets engaged I'll have to be happy and supportive. And I will be. I'm learning to realize that her moving forward in her life doesn't mean that I'm behind in mine. Would I rather be married or single right now? Honestly, here, I'd rather be single, but I'm not really looking forward to going back to BYU single. I'm normal here, even young in the ward (at least till the college kids showed up) but there... I'm an old maid. I know, I know, Melo-drama, but whatever! I'm going to be happy and successful and have a full life, until the right time and the right person comes along to take me to the right place.

Faith in God includes faith in His timing- Neal A Maxwell

Stupid me, Stupid boy, Stupid boy!

I know I said no ranting posts, but this one deserves it.

Ok-- so I said I was done, but I'm like a crack-addict! I just can't say no. But after today. I'm really too angry/put off to do it any more. No more booty-calls, no more constant texting, I'm finished!So last night he (Raleigh) texted me and asked if I wanted to drive from Seattle to Port Angelas today (3 hours each way) I said sure-- I figured it would be fun, get me out of town for a day, and the weather was beautiful. So-- it started out good, the whole way there. Good talking, some flirting, etc. He was going to go look at a motorcycle to buy. So we got to the place: Awkward-- I'm not the girlfriend, but the guy assumes that I am, asking 'are you going to be the main passenger on this bike (which by the way, is a very sexy bike, and comfey too). I gave a half laugh and told him 'maybe'. Raleigh made me get on the back of the bike to see what it was like with a passenger on it and 'liked the feel of it.' Then on the way home I started thinking about how I am like his on-call girlfriend. I deserve way better than that and I'm not going to let him jerk around with my emotions and play along with his silly games. So I flat out asked him what was going on between us. (Because people ARE talking, and I don't want them to think I'm taken, if I'm not) He said and I quote 'We're just chillin'. It's a really good think I had my sunglasses (Really big ones) on because I had angry eyes. There was no promise of something-- I guess there's no need for him to want more when I jump when he calls. Why buy the ice cream truck when she's giving out Popsicles for free, right? OK, then I was angry and no fun-- plus, we didn't stop to eat real food. I get cranky when I don't eat. So I pretended to take a nap till I could carry on polite conversation. Then I really had to pee and he wouldn't stop. Then I was really mad. And I was most mad at myself for letting myself get jerked around. I could have told you that it was going to happen, but I always think I'm going to be the exception, not the rule. But in reality-- I'm the rule. Every time. UGH! Sorry-- that's a pretty long rant. On top of it all, I have a talk at 9am, a lesson at 11:30, and munch and mingle after the single's ward. I think I may help set up for munch and mingle then skip out-- I'll be super tired by then.

A renewed effort

Alright. Here I go again. I figure if I can blog once or twice a week (while Aiden naps) that would be a good idea.
I love being a nanny for a reason. That reason shows up about 11:30 and lasts till 2:30 on the good days. Nap time! Where else would you get paid to take a nap? Now, before you think I'm lazy, I want you to know that during this time I also clean up the house and do the dishes. Then I catch up on my emails and check facebook. The couch and the DVR are all mine. Beautiful! Then he'll wake up, and because I am loved, the sun has come out today, enough for a trip to the park.

4:00 brings bath time and then come 5:00 I'll fire up my new Volvo (by new I mean New to me: the car is older than I am, but the price was right and it's in good shape). then maybe tonight something'll happen. Besides the necessary laundry and cleaning. maybe the phone will ring, or my text message alert will go off-- that would be happy. I love the little man in my phone who rings and tells me that I have a new message from that strange fellow-- I love it even more when it is that strange fellow-- who I can't seem to ignore. boo. I'm such a girl.

Thankful Thursdays

I have noticed in a trend of blogging, that much of it seems to be so negative. That it is used as a forum to complain and feel justified in doing so. Since I decided to blog (hopefully helping with my miserable journaling attempts), I insist on being positive. We all have stuff, but there's also a lot of good that happens.
Two weeks ago I was in North Carolina on my way to a wedding. I was riding with a friend and we were talking about rising above the blues. One of the things that she suggested was having Thankful Thursdays and spending these days looking for new things to be thankful for. So, today, my list of five things that I am thankful for:

1) That the snow is new and fresh and beautiful.

2) That I went to bed last night without medications and woke up this morning feeling mostly fine (this is a huge thing for me).

3) That on a cold day like today I can stay in my sweats and comfy sweatshirt all day (or at least for the morning)

4) That on Monday I start a new job!

5) That I get to go to Joannes with my mom! (So I guess that means I have to put on jeans earlier than expected.

Happy Thursday!