Manna

Last night I set a text to Dr. Swift: "Didn't get Utah internship. Stress level: Orange."

It's not that I feel rejected (I really don't; it wasn't personal), or that I'm worried about if I'll find a placement (I'm sure I will), I'm mostly worried because I have 49 days till graduation, which means 51 days till Betsy is all packed up and I'm driving... somewhere. Yeah. How exciting is that? I'll be at that illusive somewhere, (insert oo's and aaah's now).

In the next 15 days I have a GIANT portfolio to finish up and I will present my student research project (read: thesis) at the student research conference for the entire university (and for a grade), where they have judges specifically selected to ask you questions you hadn't thought about, and to make you cry. Oh, and that reunion that I'm supposed to plan because I was prideful and wanted to be the senior class president 10 years ago... yeah, that has to be mostly planned this month so the reunion company can do all the work for me.

Following that experience I have a couple of classes to finish up, practicum three full days a week (I've had 2 patients die in the past 3 weeks), and my house to sell off or pack into Betsy. Then off to somewhere. 

But I'm only kind of freaking out. There was the initial, dramatic "I'm never going to get an internship, I'll drop out of grad school and DIE." But a conversation I had a couple of days ago with one of my classmates has made me feel so much better. She told me that she tries to operate on the "Manna Principle."

When the Israelites were fleeing Egypt and they were hungry, the Lord sent Manna, a sweet bread. And he sent just enough for the day. If they took too much, it spoiled. He provided something that was good and sweet and good for them. He created a security for them, they knew that in the morning, Manna would come. And if they forgot, and tried to horde it, the worms came.

Now, I'm not saying it's the morning of the day I'm driving out of Portales, but I feel like it's getting close. That being said, I'm finding a way to have faith that my 'Manna" will come on the morning it is supposed to.

Dr. Swift texted me back at 1am (luckily I was still awake). She was SHOCKED that I didn't get the internship, then reminded me that she KNEW there was something better for me.

The past two years haven't been awesome times of faith for me. I've found myself doubting or being ambivalent more often than I've reached deep and found faith. But today, I'm reaching deep, and I'm borrowing from Dr. Swift, and my praying mother, and the wonderful woman in the program who taught me the manna principle.

Deuteronomy 8:16 Who fed thee in the wilderness with ^amanna, which thy fathers knew not, that he might humble thee, and that he might ^bprove thee, to do thee good at thy latter end;

Dealing

It's dumb that I'm this upset. This shaken.

I should have realized that in my profession I might run into this. I guess I just didn't.

See, I was just taking a midterm for my AAC class. (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) I like to think it's all about helping kids with out language use little pictures to get their needs across. Or helping people with life altering diagnosis continue to be able to communicate with those they love. Or fun aps on the iPad. But not always.

The question was about a TBI patient, Mr. Bond who had right hemisphere self inflicted gunshot wound. And I didn't care what the rest of the question said... (I mean, ultimately I answered the question... it was a test). But it just...rattled me.

Usually I handle the reality of James' death. I re-remember he's gone almost daily. Sometimes it's 3 in the afternoon and I think "huh, this is the first time all day I've remembered that my brother is gone" And I know it's been more than 2 years. But sometimes, like today, in the middle of a midterm, the reality slaps me in the face. So I sit and have a good cry, knowing that if the professor (who is a kind woman) knew that her test question upset me she would feel bad. And I wonder if I should tell her. I probably won't, since it will only make her feel bad.

And I wonder if I'll ever have a client like that. It's not unlikely if I ever work in a TBI unit, or even in a skilled nursing facility.

And I wonder if I'll be able to deal.

The next step

The clouds have parted, the trumpets have blown, and Grace has smiled down upon me.

I have an interview for an internship at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center!

AND...they were gracious enough to allow me to do a phone interview, rather than having to fly up to Utah for just the interview.

I may get an internship after all!
PS: one of my friends took pictures for me because they needed a picture for the internship... I think they turned out pretty great... Check it out!

Ciara Foust Photography. She is Awesome!

Ms. V

She sat, eyes red, clearly agitated, grasping his hand for dear life. He was missing his customary NAVY baseball cap and had the look of sleep in his eyes from he pre-lunch nap.

Since she is my patient, I address her; "How are you today Ms. V?" I asked, knowing instinctively that the answer wouldn't be positive .

Her eyes teared up as she explained why everything was wrong. Most of it made no sense, but that is what her disease has done to her. The problem seemed to be centered around the man whose hand she is desperately clinging. "They want to take my son away," then the words "they won't let me leave here."

I wonder if she is having a lucid moment, a moment where she realizes that she spends her days and nights in a locked ward, full of others, who, like her, have had themselves stolen away from them. I rub her arm and tell her that everything will be alright. I remind her that lunch will be served soon and tell her that I always feel better after lunch. She says that maybe it will help, but doesn't sound convinced. Today, unlike the rest, the nurse's assistants are allowing her to sit next to him, rather than separating them to keep them from sharing their meals.

Tears continue streaming down her face, and I hand her a tissue. There isn't really much more I can say to make her feel better. He isn't her husband and, he isn't her son, like she calls him most days, but he stays with her. Mr. R sits, cupping Ms. V's hands between his. patting and rubbing, clearly upset by her display of emotion. Mr. R doesn't say much; she's the talker in the relationship. He seems content most days to hold her hand. He leans forward and punches her leg lightly in a "buck up" sort of gesture, then looks up at her and says, not quite clearly, "I love you."

I feel like an intruder on their private moment. In a world where things are the same every day, where Ms. V has so little control over her own life, for that one little moment things are better. She returns the I love you, and leans toward him for a kiss. I cease to exist to them. In their certain world full of confusion, they have a moment of peace. She calms, still holding his hand, but without the desperation I saw when I came in. And I tell her I'll see her on Tuesday.

Ugh.

Last night I got pulled over. This is not a common occurrence in my life, and I wasn't doing anything wrong. I promise, I signaled, I wasn't speeding, the works. That being said, I had seen THREE police cars driving around... THREE, in my small town.

See the thing is that I was driving home from dropping my friend off at his house, and he lives on the other side of the tracks, literally. (He actually lives in a really nice house on a nice street, but 2 streets over... yikes!) Anyway, I was just turning onto Avenue B (I live on Ave E) and the blue lights turned on behind me.

I rolled down my window, and waited, (why does it always take so long for them to get to your car?). The Police officer finally came to the window, introduced himself and told me the reason he pulled me over was because the light was out on my license plate. He proceeded to grill me about where I was coming from, where I was going, what I had been doing, and why I was living in Portales with a WA drivers license/plates, etc, etc, etc.

He ended up taking my license and insurance (he didn't want my registration) and issued a WRITTEN WARNING. I mean... here's my issue with this...

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT MY REAR LICENSE PLATE LIGHT IS OUT?? 

I am the only one who drives my car. I not sitting behind the car when I turn it on at night. Seriously. Seriously, friends.

I mean... I get that it's a safety thing? (I think?) So I even get pulling me over, but just to let me know that it needed doing. I guess they need a record that they informed me. But ugh. Today I went to the auto shop, and surprise, surprise, they don't have the lights I'm looking for. They're coming in tomorrow morning. The guys at O'Rilley's will even help me put them in. It's just all ugh.

7

After 17 months of grad school I got on a scale and realized that I have gained 30. Yes THIRTY pounds. My clothes had stopped fitting, I was feeling physically yucky, and (finally) realized something had to change. It's been nearly 2 years since I worried much about my weight. This was freeing. I learned to love myself. Seriously, I know it sounds cheesy, but I decided I was ok, and that my weight had little bearing on how I felt about myself. I baked A LOT. It's stress relieving. But... I realized I had delved past "overweight" and into "obese" and this is not alright. 

Step 1: I gave up soda. I'd tried to give up soda in the past and 'only have it for special occasions' but I'm not really good with that kind of moderation. All of the sudden EVERYTHING becomes a "special occasion." So as of January 1, 2014, I do not drink soda. Sometimes, like yesterday, it's hard. I hadn't slept well and I wanted nothing more than a refreshing Dr. Pepper. But I drank my water and sucked it up. I've noticed I'm less physically stressed, and I am sleeping WAY better than I was before. So that's been good, and not that hard. I cut WAY back on soda while I was home for Christmas (I bought a 6 pack and left 2 at home after 12 days). 

Step 2: I decided to follow the weight watchers plan. I didn't want to count calories, and upon searching for "best diet" WW had the best reviews for long term weight loss. I found a free app for my ipad and one for my smart-ish phone (It's a Window's 8 phone, but I don't have a data plan; however, I have access to wifi nearly everywhere I go, so it's NBD... but I digress). So I downloaded my apps, and did some meal planning and away I went. I really have done pretty well. No big binges. I've tracked nearly everything I've eaten. I've eaten breakfast, and upped my fruit/veggie intake. And I drink a LOT of water... which means I am working again on my bladder of steel upgrade because at the Nursing Home I don't have a lot of down time to run to the restroom.

So after a week of being really good and on top of things, I wasn't feeling deprived, or sad, or skinnier... (I know, after one week...) But when I got on the scale there had been a SEVEN pound difference. I lost the weight of my mom's little dog  (sans life jacket). 

So that was Sunday, and it provided the motivation I need to keep on going. My initial goal is 25 lbs. But then probably another 25-30 after that, but baby steps.  

Once upon my life in 2013

Overall 2013 was a terrible year for blogging! I didn't keep up, maybe because by the time I got home at night (usually after 11) I was exhausted and wanted nothing less than to spend MORE time in front of the migraine inducing glare of the computer. But, for history's sake, here's a quick overview of my year:

January: I rang in the new year with my dear friend Amanda, her fiance and their families, then boarded a plane back to po-dunk New Mexico, and I'd never been happier to be back. I began my second semester of Grad School, also the beginning of the "Year of Swift" the year when I had two classes from the hardest teacher in the department EVERY SEMESTER! Also, I celebrated 6 months of being on a mission with this girl (Sister Peterson) who I LOVE!

Also, it's the only picture from January that I can find! 

February: I got myself a boyfriend (Justin) THE WEEKEND BEFORE VALENTINES DAY! I do not recommend the stress of that! I also met his parents, with 30 minutes notice. I also went to this baby shower with the CDIS girls:

L-R: Andrea, Brissa, Heather, Anna, Me, Alicia, ? Rachael, Alise, Reagan

March: Celebrated my first spring break of my college career by going to Utah. I slept on 4 different couches, and determined that I was too old to sleep on a couch for any length of time! The highlight of the trip was going to a Flogging Molly concert with Shelly.

Because who wears pearls to a Flogging Molly concert... ? 

April: By this point, it's all kind of a blur. Late nights with the boyfriend (who would pick me up religiously at 6:00), I about had a breakdown from the stress of it all, and also had my first client in the clinic bite me! The CDIS girls also had a birthday dinner for me at Vines here in town, and the boys made me a birthday cake too.

Me with Lauren, Dara, Brittney and Emmily in the background. 

May: Most of May I was out of school and relished in the time to sleep! My phone died just in time for finals week, and I accidentally booked my flight home for Tuesday and thought it was for Wednesday, so I totally missed my flight! I actually cried, but it was all ok, Southwest didn't charge me for my missed flight and I ended up being home for a week, rather than two, which was probably good. While I was home I went shopping with Mom for YW camp... or because we were trying to save the world with condiments...

again... the only picture I can find from May!

June: Summer classes started and it was a whirlwind of activity. I helped a family in the ward plant their huge garden and kept occupied with those two Swift classes. I was in class for 5 hours, two days a week with the same teacher. One of the classes required that I care for a baby for the entirety of the class.  I also went to a wedding that had THIS cake:

Yes, it was a Duck Dynasty themed wedding. 

My baby, Seth "Stormageddon"

July: Brought more of the same, and boy was it hot! My poor little un-air conditioned Betsy did not like the heat! And then it rained and this happened all over town:

August: Again most of the month was spent off of school. I spent a good time making cupcakes to bribe people to do my research project (kind of like a thesis). School started again in late August, as did car troubles. Luckily, I met a nice man at Walmart who is somewhat of a Volvo enthusiast, he did repairs on my car for a super good price, and I learned more than I ever wanted to know about Volvos.

September: I spent a lot of time in Clovis as my practicum placement was with MECA, an early intervention program. I learned I get numb-bum sitting on people's floors, and I like doing therapy when the parents aren't there so I can be a little more mean  stern. Also, I got myself volunteered to being in charge of the program's Homecoming float with my idea "Angry Birds of Paradise" I made 25 angry bird masks, which got us "most clever" and the first win for the CDIS program EVER.

This is "my" trophy... I'm pretty proud of it. 

October: I went to NMSHA for the second year in a row with the program, this year, presenting some of the posters for the research poster sessions. I also got nearly deathly ill and survived on cough drops and Tylenol Cold. At the end of the month I made nearly 100 cupcakes for the Halloween Carnival at the clinic. Also I went with Matt and Shayna to the Portales Peanut Festival. Yes, we know how to party. This guy almost gave me a heart attack:

November: Amid the craziness of school wrapping up, I made a delicious Thanksgiving feast, seriously, delicious, for me, Matt, Justin and a couple of friends from the program. I also went to Fort Stanton with Lauren for my dear friend Dara's wedding. This picture was taken when we were off roading (following a GPS) we ALMOST missed the wedding (10 more minutes and we would have!). 

December: School wrapped up in early December, I passed all my classes (thank goodness) and I mad these adorable cupcakes for a friend's daughter's birthday. Then I got on a plane and went home for 2 weeks! It was glorious, I <3 and="" any="" around="" best.="" but="" city="" completing="" eve="" ever.="" family="" flew="" from="" globe="" home...="" i="" in="" into="" lake.="" lake="" m="" me="" mucho.="" my="" nbsp="" new="" night="" not="" on="" p="" park="" picked="" pictures="" s.="" s="" salt="" shelly="" spent="" sure="" the="" took="" traditions="" up="" we="" were="" when="" year="">

Shelly, Jillian, Me, Stephanie, McKenzie and Best Photo Bomber ever!

The year was good to me. I was happier with myself and where I am at than I ever have been before. Here's to an even better 2014, with lots of changes!