Hard

Most of the time it’s okay, but some days, things get hard. Days like today. 

It’s hard to not get the only thing you ever really wanted for the better part of a decade. It’s hard to trust that God loves you and wants you to be happy when He seems to give everyone around you the very thing you yearn for, yet deny you. It’s hard when you've spent your life trying to do all the things you’re supposed to. Trying to do everything right, and still, nothing. 

And it’s hard when, every now and again there’s a little dangle of hope, a little light, that’s then crushed. And it’s even harder when you’re the one who has to crush it, because it’s not the best kind of light for you. And it’s hard to stay positive. 

Hard to find new, different, divergent goals. Plan B. Which isn't a bad plan, it’s just not the ideal, not what you dream of. It’s plan b. It's hard to invest in plan b when it's not what you really ever wanted. It’s hard to smile and tell everyone how great plan b is. And it’s really hard to smile and be nice when people ask about plan a. 

And faith is hard, and trust is hard. It’s all just hard.

But since I don’t have a choice, I will do hard things.