Who I am...

So last night I had a terrible dream! I dreamt that because my sister was married now (and thus no longer a Zimmerman) that we all had to change our last names. It was awful. We had to have some strange, short last name that started with a Y. I don't remember. But it was terrible. I realized that without being a Zimmerman, I wouldn't know who I am. It was interesting to realize that no matter what I struggle with, no matter where I go, I know who I am. I have earthly and heavenly parents who love me and want me to be successful. I know where I stand. Even when, someday (ha) my last name will change (unless I make my husband take my name) I will still know who I am. Isn't that amazing!

S.O.B. (Sister of the Bride)

"Must be so hard to watch your younger sister get married before you." "Yes. Then I remember that I still get to have hot hate (kissing) with random strangers and I feel SO much better!"

Checklist

• Take out all garbage in the house-- Check (oh, need to grab the bathroom/bedroom garbage) Uncheck (I'll pull them out while I brush my teeth)
• Wrap Bridal shower gift, include witty note- Check
• Organize Kitchen table with all the wedding crap that's been stored in various places in my house-- Check
• Pile packed stuff in kitchen, 5' high- Check
• Deflate exercise ball- Check
• Tires rotated and balanced- Check! (and the guys at the Big-O tires in Issaquah did it for free!)
• Make bedroom ready to share with sister- not quite
• Shampoo mom's carpets- tomorrow? or did I talk myself out of it?
• Go to FHE say goodbye to my friends- Check
• Vacuum my apartment- tomorrow? Wednesday?
• Lunch with Elise- Tomorrow at 12:30
• Bridal Shower- Tomorrow 7pm
• Oil changed and fluids checked- Tomorrow before lunch with Elise
• Clean Bathroom- before I go to bed? (it's 3am... maybe not, but Kristen's coming home at 9 tomorrow and the sink at least should be cleaned... )
• Laundry/pack for trip- half-check
• Dinner with Jessica- Wednesday? Maybe just happy hour...
• Save Tiffany from awkward assigned date- Wednesday night, 9pm.

To the person who parked terribly

Parking Violation:

This is not a ticket, but if it were within my power, you would receive tow. Because of your bull headed, inconsiderate, feeble attempt at parking, you have taken enough room for a 20 mule team, 2 elephants, 1 goat and a safari of pygmies from the African interior. The reason for giving you this is that that in the future you may think of someone else, other than yourself. Besides I don't like domineering, egotistical or simple minded drivers and you probably fit into one of these categories. I sign off wishing you and early transmission failure (on the expressway at about 4:30pm). Also may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.

With my compliments.

(I wish I'd written this... alas, I did not)

Peanut M&M's

Almost 5 years ago I was a freshman in college. In my apartment if you got engaged you were supposed to make your roomies dinner, kissing meant they got ice cream and holding hands got them M&M's. The other day, while rearranging my stuff to get ready to move I found a package of Peanut M&M's on the back they said in small neat letters. 'Tony's M&M's.' I remember going across to the Creamery on Ninth to buy them along with the ice cream. And I remember feeling defined by the idea that I had held a boys hand- it was a turning point in my life. I know this sounds pretty silly. But I can count on one hand how many boys who's hand I've held. And I still have fingers left over. (Two of them). I later shoved that wrapper in a box. Too significant to toss out, but too painful to leave out. Finding it the other day brought up no painful memories, but it did make me smile.

Last night I went on the first date that I've been on in years (I was doing that whole mission thing for 14 months of it, and in Alaska for 5 months of it.) The guys we went with (Aside- one of them is a guy who was in my ward growing up and who has always been super attractive) got us (Me, Tiffany and Amanda) some Peanut M&M's. And just like that package from so many years ago I think it signifies a new beginning. I'm excited to move forward.

I say amen and it's still raining...

I was sure by now, God You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain,
I'm with you
(Praise You In this storm- Casting Crowns)

I've been pondering answered prayers as of late. Why some are and aren't answered. How I can be more patient and trusting in God's promises. I know he wants me to be happy, not just to survive, but to thrive. Not just exist, but to have joy! There's a quote about how life isn't about avoiding the storms but about learning how to dance in the rain. It seems that my day to day life is pretty easy- no major trials. But the big picture is what I struggle with. Those long term prayers that never seem to be answered.

Lord, I believe, Help thou mine unbelief.(Mark 9:24)

Reevaluating self

It seems surreal how soon I will be headed back to school. A month from today Kristen is getting married. I'll be in Utah. In a month and 2 days I will move into my apartment, and in a month and 6 days school starts for the first time in 32 months. I am terrified. Scared of failing, scared of being lonely, scared of success. There's a quote by Marianne Williamson that talks about how we are more afraid of our light than our darkness, we are afraid to let our lights shine. I have spent years being told I'm not enough... my dad (I don't want this to sound poor me, I love my dad dearly, but he's not perfect) always was saying things like "you guys can't do anything right, I have to do everything." my 'friends' who've told me all the reasons that I am terrible and even on my mission when I had a companion tell me that I was not enough. My mom told me nobody would love me the way I am and all these things weigh me down. There is a line in Pretty Woman that says "The bad things are easier to believe" It's true. You let all these things weigh you down and pretty soon... you are terrified of moving forward, of letting yourself out of your bubble. You spend your life trying to convince yourself and others that you are worthy of their attention or of their time, while all the time neglecting your true self, coming off disingenuous and promoting the same problems.

I realized how terribly skewed my sense of self worth is. I don't think I can do it, whatever it is, scholastically, socially, physically. Because I don't think I can, I can't. That's not who I was born to be. I was not born to cower and shrink. I was born for greatness. Maybe not fame, but to do great things in big and small places and ways.

Now I just have to believe that.