I came back to 'the lower 48' a month ago today, full of excitement for what I thought would be a life changing semester in the romance/marriage department. I quickly found out, to my astonishment, that this was not to be. NOTHING was going to be the way I planned it, or thought it would go. I have been struggling, these past few weeks with what to do with those changes. I wish I could tell you I've handled everything with grace and dignity. That would be a lie.
Today in church I had a startling realization. In recent weeks, I have stopped saying that God loves me and wants me to be happy. My faith and trust in the Lord was conditional upon him giving me the blessings that I thought I needed, or perhaps upon my understanding why things happened. Perhaps I don't know how these things will work together for my good. I can't see the plan. I don't always have to be in control, but I like to know what the plan is. And here, I have a chance for more growth and learning. I was so happy. But then... sigh.
I am reminded of Shadrack, Meshack and Abednigo. (I'm too lazy to look up the spellings, sorry). They were threatened with the fiery furnace, and said essentially; "We have faith God will save us. But if not, we won't stop worshiping Him." I have ignored the "but if not" clause.
God still loves me, He still wants me to be happy, and He blesses me! But, if it's not the way I want it, I will strive to continue on in the faith. to hold my head high, and to smile.
When the Lord told Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail that ""all these things" shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good" I'm sure the Prophet wondered a little. But the Sunday School answers, are the Sunday school answers for a reason. So I'll try to be better.
CS Lewis said:
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."
So there we have it. I might be frustrated right now because I can't see the blueprint, and I am feeling much abominable discomfort. I may even whine because I was content to be a decent little cottage. But if God needs me to be more. Here I am.
Amen, Amen, and Amen! You're so dang spiritually mature. Thank you for reminding me of a lesson that I once learned that I need to learn again (being mortal stinks sometimes). It's so true...so many of us condition our belief that God loves us on whether what we desire we actually receive. God knows what He wants us to become, we just have to let Him. Even if it hurts sometimes (i.e. palace instead of a cottage).
ReplyDeleteYou rock Emily!