Vindicated

I've tried a few times to write about the terrible-awful that has happened to my family. (My older brother is gone). So instead I'll write about what happened yesterday.

Yesterday was the funeral. As we were sitting in the Relief Society room with James' body I looked up and saw one of my past... deficits in judgement.

(Background information: When I was 18, I had my heart pulverized by a boy we'll call A. He was the first boy to ever kiss me, he told me he loved me and I locked myself in the bathroom (I was young) and he had two other girlfriends while he was seeing me. As you can imagine, things blew up big time and the idea of seeing him has been sufficient to make my stomach twist in anger and give me the shakes.While I've grown up and gotten wiser (maybe) I've never really forgiven him.)

I don't think I've seen him in 5 years. So when he showed up at the viewing, my stomach clenched and I made a quick exit, avoiding eye contact of any kind.

When the funeral was over we did a lot of visiting in the foyer. I hugged more people than I have in a long, long time. And all at once, someone moved past me after hugging me, and I was face to face with A. So much for my avoiding techniques. He had his nephew in one arm and I smiled at him and said hello. He hugged me with his free arm (so strange how quickly all the memories of 7 years ago flood back) and said "Emily, I'm really sorry." I pulled back and said my favorite answer to people's condolences "Me too. I'm sorry too." But then he looked me in the eye and said, "No Emily, I'm sorry for everything." And I knew what he meant. Seven years later he apologized to me for taking some of my bright eyed innocence (and I mean that in a first kiss sort of way...). And I told him thank you, and that we all have to grow up sometime. He responded that some of us take longer than others.

I never expected an apology. And while I haven't spent the last 7 years dwelling on how he treated me, I turned away, into the next hug, feeling lighter than I have in a long time.

I expected to feel many things going into the funeral, forgiveness for A wasn't one of them. I feel like maybe I've gotten a little of that innocence back, and amid the other stark realities of my life, I won't complain about that little bit returned.