My great pilgrimage

Today in my humanities class we were talking about pilgrimages. My professor talked about going to sacred sites and how they bring special feelings of connection. We talked about ancient pilgrimages to Jerusalem and Rome. Then she asked about pilgrimages that we may take. Immediately I thought about a conversation that I had with my sister recently that all roads lead to Provo, by way of Salt Lake. I thought of all my family vacations over the years of going to Utah, the trip to my Grandparent’s house, then on to Aunt Kris’ house. The visits to temple square, watching the movies, going to temple open houses, Ensign Peak, and even Cove Fort.  This weekend my family is taking a pilgrimage- if you will- to Manti to attend the temple there. Finally, someone mentioned the eastern Church history sites. The teacher asked who had been to Nauvoo, or the Sacred Grove, or Kirtland. I know that it’s irrational, but I still, even 4 ½ years later, feel like Nauvoo is my Nauvoo. The experiences that I had there are still close to my heart. It is not an exaggeration to say that my Semester living in the City of Joseph changed my life, even more; I think it changed my heart.

It is because I went to Nauvoo that I have a firm testimony of Joseph Smith. Now, I’m sure that I would still have a testimony (and I might have graduated already) had I stayed at BYU for that fall semester, but I know Joseph Smith. I love that man, and I look forward to the day when I will meet him and thank him for what he did so that I can know and worship the One, True God. I walked the path from Nauvoo to Carthage, visited the sacred grove, and felt the pain of the saints as I too left Nauvoo, unsure when I would return.

In Nauvoo I decided that I had been given too great a gift not to share what I had. So, almost 2 years after returning, I served a mission. Sharing with others the good news! The Glad tidings from Cumorah!

I learned to love the temple. There was not a whole lot to do in Nauvoo, so each day, following lunch, before Choir, my roommate and I would attend the temple to do baptisms for the dead. Spending time in the temple, with the senior missionaries was the best part of my day. I looked at the beautiful stained glass window and pondered Christ’s mission and the example he set by being baptized. I looked at the pictures on the walls and pondered Christ teaching in the temple and how willing He was to teach me, when I came seeking. I thought about those who had been waiting for hundreds of years to experience the blessings that I had taken for granted for so long. I realized that I was here on this earth to be involved in temples and that I would find peace there.

Like early Christians, I went on my pilgrimage wounded, not physically, but spiritually. My pilgrimage healed me as I associated with the people of our own little Zion, attended the temple, sang the songs of Zion, and as I felt the overwhelming love of the Savior, I was made whole.

Pilgrimages were important for early Christians, they represented a change in their lives, a healing, a deeper connection with the Almighty. My own pilgrimages to Nauvoo changed my life. There is rarely a day that goes by that I don’t think about the time I spent there. The amazing people who changed me for the better who, though we left and went our own ways, I still care deeply for.  The experiences that I had that are forever engraved on my heart. The ones that I will share, and the ones that are too close to openly talk about. 

past, present and future

A friend gave me this to think about:

I'd like the attention of anyone who has it. Take a moment to evaluate your life. Where were you five years ago? and where are you now? Was it like you planned? Where will you be in five more years? These questions have been seriously on my mind, and they've changed the way I look at the next five years. Thank you. You may have your attention back

Where I was 5 years ago:  5 years ago I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. It was the first time that I really really felt like I'd failed. I was living with roommates I have nothing in common with, had a very broken heart because of my own stupidness, and felt all the more terrible because the Lord, and my parents warned me about the situation. I felt like I'd ruined my life, and failed as a student at BYU. Luckily, my parents love me (a lot) and wanted me to be happy, and sent me to Nauvoo for a semester. I healed there, I let the Savior heal me there. 


Where I am now: This is kind of a crazy question because I'm not really sure where I am. I'm still at BYU-- I didn't fail all the way. I finally settled on a major, and have served a mission. I've started dating a lot recently, and have realized that I'm not cut out for lots of dating, it's stressful. I'm looking forward to a light at the end of the tunnel (well, the undergrad tunnel). Two more semesters then off to Grad school. I'm looking at applying at ASU (where Greg wants to go to law school), UW (where I can live for free :)), and a few schools back east (where it's different from the life I've known for a long time). I still struggle to keep my head above water quite a bit of the time. I have my sisters here, because Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy. Actually I use that excuse for a lot of things "because God loves me and wants me to be happy"


Is it the life I planned: not at all... but it's ok. This pretty much sums up my philosophy on life right now

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.

Where will I be in 5 more years: Honestly, I have no idea. That is the scariest thing in the world to me. I will be graduated and, barring marriage and babies, working as a speech therapist. Likely even if I am married I will be working as an SLP. I will be an active church member. I will have a temple recommend. I will work now to be at a place where I'm not just barely keeping my head above water. 

Why I hate dating

So have you ever been on a date and you come home and think, seriously? What a waste of my life. I had that experience Tuesday. Remember F from my last post? This story is about F.
Last semester I was nice to F, we talked at church, then at dessert night, then he added me as a friend on FB. Then he's ALWAYS on the chat (I've put him in a category and he's generally blocked) But sometimes I forget. So he went out w/ my roommate twice and she told him that they should just be friends. Then he asked me out for ice cream. We went to sub zero ice cream, which is kind of cool-- they take whatever you want and freeze it w/ liquid hydrogen? something like that. anyway. To spare you an exact retelling of the 2 1/2 hours of treachery I've made a list of things you should never do on a FIRST date.

• Let a date for Ice Cream go longer than an hour.
• Talk only about yourself
• Talk about things you should talk about (ie: the temple)
• Talk about your underwear (see above)
• Talk about the girls that you have dated
• Talk about the girls you have kissed
• Tell me that your goal in life is to be a magician
• Not walk me to the door
• Talk about how my roommate shut you down
• Talk about how many other girls have shut you down. 
• Ask me out repeatedly after I've ignored your previous two requests.

 Those are the ones that I can remember-- I'm sure I've blocked some of it out. needless to say if he asks me out again, I will just tell him a straight no. Honestly I don't really even want to be friends. Is that rude? I just don't even like him as a person, and I could spend my time with people I enjoy...

Really?

So today I found something out that my roommates have been lying to me for the past 7 months. One of my roommates, we'll call her Roommate A doesn't like confrontation, she is almost afraid to make someone mad at her, even for things that most of us wouldn't consider a big deal at all. I am not a scary person (at least I don't think so), but she is terrified of making me upset. I guess that I came off pretty strong when I explained what I expected of my roommates at the beginning of the year. I just wanted to make myself clear and so to avoid confrontation later, pretty understandable, right? So it turns out that Roommate B has been covering for her. Whenever something would be going on (like dishes not done, the heat turned way, way up, etc) and Roommate A would say "oh that must have been 'B'" It was interesting that it was always B and never A, but I never thought at it too much. Except that it made me frustrated with B, quite a bit. I guess that they had decided that because B was a stronger personality and the things that she was taking credit for were small... I guess that A would even text B and be like "I turned up the heat..." So it all hit the fan the other day when B had been asked out by a boy, F, in the ward (who I actually went out with last night, a whole other story). B was not interested at all, but she was a little afraid that F was fairly interested. Several times, to my face, B had said "you should date F, so he doesn't want to date me." So we were talking one night and A said "B thinks that you and F could go well together." B said "I didn't say that!" Well, turns out that they'd been talking to each other about the F situation and A had said that we would be a good match. But A was afraid that I would be upset- again-- I'm a nice girl! I just feel like I've been lied to this whole semester. She never admits to anything, and B takes the fall. Grrrr. The thing that I hate the most is being lied to. And I've been a little upset with B because A wouldn't fess up. Grow the heck up! Seriously? Take responsibility for yourself and grow up!

Dating

I just said yes to a date that I'm not sure that I really want to go on... I'm not really sure what I was thinking... But we'll see...

Why I'll never be a Winter Olympian

Last night, for the first time in my life I clicked some funky boots into some 4 1/2 foot long sticks and using two poles for what I can only assume was traction and balance, I entered the world of cross country skiing. And promptly fell down. Then I got going a little bit, then I ran into a compete stranger. Off to a fantastic start, I was determined to keep going. I also learned how to untangle the mass of sticks and ski's that were attached to my various appendages (It's a good thing the poles were attached to my wrists or I would have lost them). Determined to keep going I next ended up with my ski stuck in a snow drift, the problem was that it had two sides and that pulling it out meant pushing it deeper in the other direction. It was an adventure! Luckily there were others spending just (or maybe almost) as much time on the ground. I learned to sit down on my bum and go down, it was safer. But it was SO fun... I went with a boy... It made for a record 4 dates in 4 weeks... And an exciting, exciting adventure. So watch out Winter Olympics 2014! I'm staying far away :)

Flawed

I'm going to apologize in advance for this blog, it's just how I feel, deal with it.
Today I feel broken. I feel like I'm just not enough and that I'm wholly flawed. This morning I missed my 7am class, had a meeting at 9, then I took my paper for my humanities class to the teacher's office, then I went to take Darcie err- Hermana Smart to the MTC. Especially after my meeting I just felt like crying. When did I stop being ok? When will I be enough? I know that these thoughts and feelings don't reflect reality always. So I got all cute, I did my hair, I put on make up, I put the final touches on the missionary bag that I bought and stuffed for her, and I went and and met them at the Olive Garden for her 'last meal'.
Hermana Smart was wearing one of my missionary jumpers. It looked so good on her-- she looked so good. I'm so proud of her, and excited for her! The drop off went so well- I was the designated video-grapher, so I videoed her getting out of the car, and hugging her parents and me, and walking away with two zone leaders. It was beautiful. The Smarts did great- no crying at all. I, on the other hand, teared up.
Then the Smarts took me back to my car (that I left at the Olive Garden) and they got out to hug me. Adam said something-- he said that I there was no shortcomings in me. That was what I needed to hear. It just was. It was such a blessing to have them here. I just feel like every now and again I need someone who really knows me to tell me I'm ok.
So I'm ok.