Lord, if thou hadst been there...

I'm not sure if I'll ever really be able to write directly about the terrible awful. I keep trying, but I just don't have the words in me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to capture how I felt that day, or those following. But for now, I'm going to try to deal with how I feel today.

I debated on making this public or private, but I decided on public because, I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed of what happened, (sad; yes, ashamed no) and I'm not ashamed of how I feel about it now. Take it or leave it.

The other day, someone I love said to me "God knew this was going to happen, and..." I stopped listening. This is something I've avoided thinking about. I mean, I know that God prepared me, by putting me in a place where I could go home for a month. I know that other things fell in to place after the fact, but I can't think that God knew my brother's life would end the way it did and not get mad. Especially in the last few days, my 'anger' has shifted from my brother (how could he do this to our family, how could he not see how hurt we all would be, etc...) to frustration at God. How could He, in His power not save my brother? Why didn't he send angels? How is this better? Why did He let this happen?  Why, why why? I don't like being at odds with God. Even yesterday in Sunday School, I knew I was in trouble when we talked about pride being emnity with God. This is a case where I am sure I know better than Him, right? And I couldn't see a resolution to my feelings any time soon.

But the Lord is merciful. Today, I was reading in John 11, where Lazarus has died, and Mary and Martha go to greet Jesus and both of them say "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." And I stopped, because that's how I've been feeling, almost in those words. I had forgotten that the scriptures talk about sisters who lost a brother. It applied to me, directly, not in some ambiguous link.

And Christ responded to Mary and Martha, "Thy brother shall rise again... I am the resurrection, and the life; he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die."

Now I know that the story ends differently for Mary and Martha than it did for me. But actually, no. The story will end the same way. The interrum is different. Christ caused Lazarus to live that day, his journey must not have been over. I know that is not going to happen for us. But the end of the story is the same.

Because of Jesus Christ. Because he died and then broke the bonds of death, my brother will rise again. Because of Jesus Christ, he is not lost, he is not taken from us forever, or really at all. Just taken from our mortal perception.

I don't think this will make it all better. I don't think I'll stop being sad, but I am thankful for the extra glimmer of hope, and for a loving God who lets me be upset, just until he can get through to me.