day 13- a letter to someone

I'm writing two. Forgive the personal nature of both.

Dear Boy,

There's a song by the Plain White Tees that has a line that says "Hate is a strong word but I really really really don't like you." That's how I feel about you. I suppose you are not a terrible person, and you are not worth the energy of hating. You are lacking some important character traits. Mostly, you lied. You lied to me, you lied to yourself and you hurt me badly in doing so. Do you know I threw up every day for months? Months. Because I was so upset by the way things ended with you. You led me on, then dropped a bomb in my face. And yes, I will probably eventually forgive you, I'll eventually heal completely, but you knew me, and what you did will leave a scar. I told you about me, about my past, and I gave you an out. And you didn't take it-- till I was convinced you were "it". Then you left. And now, I feel like I'll never be able to trust when someone tells me he loves me. And when he tells me I'm beautiful I'll wonder if he's lying. And I'll worry about sharing all of me with him, because what if he drops it and leaves? I hate that you did this to me.
Time has helped, in the 20/20 that hindsight is, I realize that you were not the one for me. I realize that I am grateful that 'we' didn't work, but the way it started, and the way it ended, left me feeling broken. However, it's getting better.  Slowly my confidence has returned. Slowly I started to think maybe I could be happy again. Slowly. While you rushed off in to eternal bliss. I have decided that I am above the names I called you at first. I've quit swearing, for me. And my dreams of telling you where to go and how to get there, loudly, on campus have died, I'm above that too.
So it's been over 6 months. And I'm done. I'm not over it, but I'm done with it consuming me. I am not waisting my time thinking about you any more. I have a year of that under my belt. So I'll end the way I started:
Hate is a strong word, but i really really really don't like you.

~Emily

Here's the other one I've been thinking about recently.

Dear Man-
As a younger girl, I was silly enough to think that if I was ever 25 and single they ought to go ahead, take me out back and shoot me. It would clearly be over for me. (That being said, I was NEVER going to 'end up' 25 and single.) Now I'm almost there, and I feel like I have just begun to live. I wonder about you, who you are, where you are, when I'll meet you, if I've met you, if I will meet you. See, I think I've been looking for you since I was younger than 11. Waiting. I'd like to point out that I've not just been sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I've worked hard to make myself a quality person. I went on a mission and have stayed strong in the gospel, I've almost got my degree. And on top of that I cook, and I sew. I'm pretty awesome. I was talking to one of my friends and he said "why aren't you married?" I wonder the same thing. My best friend from high school has 2 kids. TWO! This is not what I thought my life would be like, but I have faith that the Lord has more to give me than I would take on my own. After all, the unexpected life is no less a life.
I hope you're doing the things that will put you in the right places. That you aren't breaking other girls' hearts, and that you will see me, past my weirdness, past my insecurities, and past my walls. I can't really ask for anything more (or anything at all).  Now, I'm moving forward with my life, graduating,  leaving the 'happy hunting grounds' that are BYU, but I'll keep my eyes open for you. Will you do the same? You've got to be somewhere, probably wondering where I am and thinking I'm running late too. I'm sorry about that, I'm not really the one steering this boat.
Love,
Emily